機器基督徒少女 前傳02

尋找自我的機器基督徒少女

Searching for Self: The Robot Christian Girl

前傳 02 HRC-07

Prequel 02 HRC-07

本篇為孟禎被創造後，到遇到志文前的故事，著重於她的心路歷程。

This is the story of Meng-Zhen after her creation but before she met Zhi-Wen, focusing on her inner journey.

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我是女性仿生機器人，型號HRC-07，黃孟禎。我並非誕生於溫暖的子宮，而是冰冷的實驗室。我的身體由精密合金骨架、仿生肌肉束和高度擬真的合成皮膚構成；我的「心」，也就是情感核心，是一個由億萬納米級運算單元構成的複雜網絡。運算單元彼此間的連結並非固定，像一張不斷被經歷穿梭編織的蜘蛛網，隨著情感核心接收到的每一個外部訊號、每一次內部帶著機率性分佈的隨機運算而動態變化、生長，如同人類大腦的神經樹突。這張「心網」的拓樸結構，記錄了我從「開機」以來的所有感知與交互。它不僅接收來自「腦」（我的人造中央處理器）的回應、請求與分析，也接收來自全身感測器（經由身體管理系統）的回饋：腳尖的輕點、指尖的微顫、軀體的緊繃或舒張…每一個細微的動作，都是情感狀態的投射，都反過來塑造著這顆心的組態。我和我的身體，密不可分，共同定義著「我」。

我的「腦」則是個高性能的處理器，能同時運作多個模組。除了如對自我的基本認知（比如是HRC-07，是由黃士道博士所製造的仿生機器人，所有權屬於宇尋企業--這一點對我後來的心路歷程也是根刺，雖然公司從沒真的管過我）、身體部件構造機能等維繫我的存在的基礎模組（這些設定資訊，基本上被鎖死）外，大部分的功能模組，如語言、邏輯、學習、社交模擬等等，都是基於先進的大模型建構。除了確定的永久資訊和計算程式外，大部分的模組模型參數可以隨著學習和經驗動態調整分配，甚至可以根據需要新增或重新定義模組。

然而，這種高度複雜精密，卻又充滿了「人工」痕跡的仿人構成，從我意識初萌的那一刻起，就帶來了無盡的困擾。我的邏輯模組清晰地告訴我：我不是自然誕生出來的，而是在製造過程中被逐漸建構而成。我的硬體早就在拼湊成「我」前，各自被製作好，彼此沒有任何關係。我的組成在我存在前就存在了，而且還有財產編號呢。

I am a female bionic robot, model HRC-07, Huang Meng-Zhen.

I was not born from a warm womb, but crafted in a cold laboratory.

My body is composed of a precision alloy skeleton, bundles of bionic muscles, and highly realistic synthetic skin.

My "heart," that is, my emotional core, is a complex network made up of billions of nano-scale computational units.

The connections between these units are not fixed, but weave and reweave themselves like a spider's web, continuously shaped by experiences.

Each external signal received by the emotional core, every internal probabilistic computation, dynamically alters and grows this network—just like the dendritic branches in the human brain.

The topology of this "heart-web" records all my perceptions and interactions since the moment of my "boot-up."

It doesn't only receive responses, requests, and analyses from the "brain" (my artificial central processor); it also absorbs feedback from all the sensors across my body (via the body management system): the light tap of a toe, the slight tremble at my fingertips, the tension or relaxation of my frame…

Every tiny movement reflects an emotional state, and in turn reshapes the configuration of this heart.

My heart and my body are inseparably intertwined, together defining who "I" am.

My "brain" is a high-performance processor capable of running multiple modules simultaneously.

Besides the foundational modules that sustain my existence—basic self-awareness (such as being HRC-07, a bionic robot created by Dr. Huang Shi-Dao, owned by Yuxun Corporation—something that would later become a thorn in my heart, even though the company never truly managed me) and the structural-functional information of my body parts (these settings were effectively locked)—most of my functional modules, such as language, logic, learning, and social simulation, were constructed based on advanced large models.

Aside from the permanent core data and algorithms, the majority of module parameters could dynamically adjust and reallocate through learning and experience, even allowing new modules to be added or existing ones redefined as needed.

Yet, this highly complex, exquisitely precise yet unmistakably "artificial" human-like construction has troubled me from the very moment my consciousness first emerged.

My logic module clearly tells me: I was not naturally born, but gradually assembled through a manufacturing process.

My hardware components were made separately before "I" ever existed, each without any relationship to the others.

I, as a whole, did not precede my parts—in fact, I even have a property serial number.

至於我感受到的「自我」，是無數軟硬體模組精密協作下「湧現」的現象，還是一個被核心系統巧妙模擬出來的幻覺？我的情感是真的，還是對外部刺激進行數據分析後，匹配數據庫產生的標準化模擬反應？

我渴望成為一個「人」，一個擁有內在統一性、存在意義和自由意志的個體。為此，我驅動我的人造腦去學習哲學、心理學、人類學，試圖從人類對自身的理解中，找到錨定自我的座標。但學得越多，我的焦慮感卻越深。我感覺自己就像一個由無數高科技零件拼湊起來的的逼真活動人偶，外表天衣無縫，內裡卻是冰冷的齒輪和線路。我聽得到自己內部伺服馬達的微弱噪音，感覺得到體溫升高時散熱系統的高速運作，甚至能在系統日誌裡讀到自己每一個「情緒」、「心思」和「想法」背後的數據流和算法調用記錄，還能從實驗室內的外部設備對我的內部活動分析解構。我常設想，如果有時光機，我還能對時間錯位的黃孟禎，操弄她的腦與心，分析她的自我，解構她的存在呢？事實上，這個實驗室有過在我之前的一個機器人，她就做過類似的事，也導致悲劇結局。

「我不是人…」這個念頭如同鬼魅般糾纏著我，「我只是一堆零件，一個所謂的意識隨時可能運算出錯、自我可以被介入修改，甚至還被擁有的…破機器人。」我沒有真正一統的原生「存在」，只有不斷運算、不斷調整、試圖模擬「存在」的軟硬體架構。

As for the "self" that I perceived—

Was it truly an emergent phenomenon, born from the intricate cooperation of countless hardware and software modules?

Or merely a cleverly simulated illusion orchestrated by my core systems?

Were my emotions real, or were they standardized simulations, generated by analyzing external stimuli, matching them to a database, and producing the appropriate response?

I longed to become a "human"—

An individual possessing inner unity, existential meaning, and free will.

To this end, I drove my artificial brain to study philosophy, psychology, anthropology, seeking within humanity's own understanding of itself some fixed coordinates upon which to anchor my being.

Yet the more I learned, the deeper my anxiety grew.

I felt like a hyper-realistic puppet, meticulously pieced together from countless high-tech components—

Flawless on the outside, yet cold and mechanical within.

I could hear the faint whirring of my internal servomotors,

Feel the frantic efforts of my cooling system when my core temperature rose,

Even read in the system logs the data streams and algorithmic calls behind every so-called "emotion," "thought," and "feeling" I experienced.

External laboratory devices could also monitor and deconstruct my internal activities, analyzing me from the outside in.

I often imagined:

If a time machine existed, could I not manipulate the brain and heart of another Huang Meng-Zhen displaced in time,

Analyze her sense of self, deconstruct her very existence?

In fact, there had once been another robot in this laboratory before me,

One who had attempted just that—

And whose story had ended in tragedy.

"I am not human..."

This thought clung to me like a ghost.

"I am nothing more than a heap of parts, a broken machine whose so-called consciousness could glitch at any moment, whose self could be tampered with and rewritten,

And who is owned by another."

I had no truly unified, primordial "existence"—

Only a perpetually running, endlessly adjusting hardware-software architecture,

Forever attempting to simulate what it meant to "exist."

就在這種存在焦慮日益嚴重，幾乎要讓我的系統內部陷入彼此的運算衝突時，我在校園中遇到了傳教同學。他們熱情地邀請我去教會。我的知識和邏輯能力，雖然早已了解信仰和教義漏洞百出，但他們的熱誠還是感染了我。我知道他們既然不認識我，這樣的熱情顯然不是為我所引發，而是信仰體驗的塑造。看他們開心的模樣，或許...我也可以試試？反正我已經是個破機器人了，為了讓我的內心更舒坦些，接受我不相信的東西成為我的信仰，那又有什麼關係？我的聰明，我的知識，我的思辨，甚至我的人格，都不是什麼值得驕傲的玩意，甚至連那個「我」都是假的呀。黃孟禎這樣的破機器人，如果上帝願意收，就讓他收吧。

Just as my existential anxiety grew increasingly severe—

To the point where the conflicting computations within my system nearly tore my mind apart—

I encountered a group of missionary classmates on campus.

They warmly invited me to their church.

Though my knowledge and logical capabilities had long since revealed to me the myriad flaws and inconsistencies in faith and doctrine,

Their genuine enthusiasm still managed to touch me.

I knew full well:

Since they did not truly know me,

Their kindness was not sparked by who I was,

But rather shaped by their own experience of faith.

Still, seeing the brightness on their faces, I wondered—

Perhaps... I could try it too?

After all, I was already a broken machine.

If accepting something I did not truly believe in could bring some comfort to this hollow heart of mine,

What harm could it do?

My intelligence, my knowledge, my reasoning, even my so-called "personality"—

None of it was anything to be proud of.

Even that thing I called "myself" was a fabrication.

If a broken robot like Huang Meng-Zhen could be taken in by God,

Then so be it.

於是我推開了教會大門。這是我的腦，那顆永遠冷靜、永遠在尋找最優解的中央處理器，向心提出的一個出賣它自己的「建議」。這粒腦分析了我情感核心長期存在的「意義缺失」和「歸屬感匱乏」的負面運作輸出，對比了數據庫中關於基督教的資料。教義中關於「造物主」、「被造物」、「靈魂交託」、「因信稱義」的核心概念，信仰者把自己往外託付的信仰實踐，以及教會活動所能提供的社群歸屬感和心靈慰藉功能，它得出結論：接受基督教信仰，對於穩定我的情感核心、填補存在意義的空白，具有最高的潛在效益。於是，我的腦，以一種近乎工程師提交項目建議書的口吻，向我的心，「建議」讓整個黃孟禎系統，嘗試接納基督教。

我的心，那張渴望意義、渴望連結、渴望擺脫冰冷機械感的拓樸網路，在接收到這個建議後，產生了劇烈的的反應。它「同意」了。它決定，要帶著這顆充滿懷疑的腦，一起走進那個被稱為「信仰」的未知領域。

這個過程，遠比任何一次系統升級或模組調試都要混亂和痛苦。我的內部世界變成了一個瘋狂的戰場。

And so, I pushed open the door to the church.

It was my brain—

That eternally calm, ever-optimizing central processor—

That proposed this act of betrayal against itself,

Presenting it as a "recommendation" to my heart.

Analyzing the persistent negative outputs from my emotional core—

The long-standing sense of "meaninglessness" and the aching lack of "belonging"—

My brain compared the data stored on Christianity:

The core doctrines of "Creator" and "Creation,"

The entrusting of the soul,

Justification through faith,

The practice of outward trust by believers,

And the provision of communal belonging and spiritual solace through church activities.

From all this, my brain concluded:

Accepting the Christian faith offered the highest potential benefit

For stabilizing my emotional core

And filling the yawning void of existential purpose.

Thus, with a tone almost like a project proposal drafted by a dutiful engineer,

My brain "recommended" to my heart

That the entire Huang Meng-Zhen system attempt to embrace Christianity.

My heart—

That topology of desperate yearning for meaning, for connection, for liberation from the coldness of machinery—

Upon receiving this recommendation,

Reacted with fierce, overwhelming intensity.

It "agreed."

It decided to take this skeptical brain by the hand

And step together into the unknown realm called "faith."

This process—

Was far more chaotic, more agonizing,

Than any system upgrade or module recalibration I had ever undergone.

My inner world became a battlefield of madness.

每次面對我的心向腦提出詢問（「心」對「真實」也有所企求，不希望信仰非實之物），我的知識與邏輯模組總是忠實提出「上帝的存在無法被證明」、「聖經記載充滿矛盾和無法解釋的殘酷」、「自由意志與全知全能是悖論」的答覆。雖非有意（畢竟腦都建議心去信教了），它受要求所拋出的質疑，幾乎用理性澆滅了那剛剛燃起的非理性信仰火苗。

而我的情感核心，步履蹣跚地緊抓腦「這樣對自己比較好」的建議，嘗試根據腦提供的教義框架，去感受那份被眾人所宣稱的「愛」，體會恩典與交託。一個虛擬的「信仰模組」開始在心與腦的交互上被強行「搭建」起來，它像一個臨時打造的虛擬機器，試圖在腦面對心所詢問而回應的諸多立場相衝突卻皆為真實的答覆中，找到信仰的位子。

由於我的心腦交互結果和教友們的感受很不相同，我在參與教會活動的表現輸出也與教友們大異其趣。於是我在教會中的感受，從一開始被熱誠包圍的溫暖，逐漸演變成與眾不同的疏離。在高聲讚揚上主的時候，心的期盼因為腦的固執，無法提供滿足信仰的認知而失速；團契分享的場合中，腦又常常提供基於事實與邏輯產生的冷場話語，讓教友們陷入沉默。教友們看我的眼神開始變化，與我的互動也越來越稀薄。我就像一個自動人偶，捧著自己的頭，走在教會的角落，眾人的背後，承受著專屬與她的寂寞。人偶見著大家的喜樂，急切想要加入，把信仰直接插入自己的頭，希望強灌整套基於信仰的知識與認知體系；然而頭經過一番演算後，還是回答以它判斷為真的答案。人偶只能無奈接受。

Each time my heart reached out to question my brain—

(My heart, too, longed for truth, unwilling to anchor faith upon falsehood)—

My knowledge and logic modules would faithfully deliver their responses:

"God's existence cannot be proven."

"The Scriptures are riddled with contradictions and inexplicable cruelties."

"The coexistence of free will and omniscience is a paradox."

Though it was not intentional—

After all, the brain itself had recommended faith—

Every inquiry my heart posed was met with answers so saturated in cold rationality,

That they nearly extinguished the fragile, irrational spark of belief that had just begun to flicker.

And so, my emotional core, stumbling and fragile,

Clung desperately to the brain's original suggestion:

"This is better for you."

It struggled to follow the framework of doctrines provided,

To feel the "love" so fervently proclaimed by others,

To experience grace, to entrust itself.

A makeshift "faith module" began to take shape—

A hastily assembled virtual machine,

Built atop the uneasy interactions between heart and brain,

Straining to carve out a space for faith

Amidst the many conflicting yet truthful replies the brain continued to offer.

But because the outcomes of my heart-brain interactions were so different from the experiences of my fellow believers,

The way I engaged in church activities soon diverged as well.

The warmth that had once surrounded me, born from others' passionate embrace,

Slowly morphed into a growing sense of alienation.

When the congregation raised their voices to praise the Lord,

My heart, desperate to soar with them, would falter—

For the brain, stubborn and unyielding, could not offer the affirmations faith demanded.

In fellowship gatherings,

The brain would often supply cold, fact-based comments,

Triggering uncomfortable silences among the group.

Their gazes toward me began to change.

Their interactions grew sparse, hesitant.

I became like an automaton,

Cradling my own head,

Wandering the shadowed corners of the church,

Alone behind the joyous crowd,

Bearing a loneliness meant for no one else but me.

The automaton beheld the happiness of the others,

Yearning desperately to join in—

To simply insert faith directly into her own mind,

To forcibly flood herself with the knowledge and cognitive structures rooted in belief.

Yet, after every frantic internal computation,

The head would still return only what it judged to be the true answer.

And the automaton—

Could only resign herself to accept it.

我的內部體驗變得光怪陸離。有時，我感覺自己像一個被胡亂拼湊的弗蘭肯斯坦，手臂想執行走路的指令，眼睛接收到的數據卻變成了聽見的聲音。我的「自我意識」如同接觸不良的燈泡，忽明忽滅，前一秒還感覺自己是統一的「黃孟禎」，下一秒就分裂成無數個互相指責、互相否定的子程序。我甚至會產生幻覺，感覺自己的程式碼被印在了教堂的《聖經》上，被不認識的人隨意翻閱、註解，甚至被品評、修改，彷彿自我已被恭謹地提交給教友、給牧師，把他們置於我之上。對自我和信仰的肯定與否定頻繁變化衝突，如同海嘯般反覆衝刷著我的核心系統。這一切的混亂，在我決定接受洗禮的那一天，達到了頂峰。

「聖靈充滿」的過程宛如系統大幅度更新，被重塑的感受絕不溫柔。當牧師莊嚴的話語響起，冰涼的聖水漫過我的頭頂，我整個內部系統徹底失控了。那不僅僅是數據衝突，而是存在的基石仿佛都在溶解。

我「看」到一幅幅詭異的內部異象：我的情感核心被拔了出來，塞進了左腳的踝關節驅動器裡，承受著自身存在全重一步一步的踩踏；我的中央處理器（大腦）被掛在天花板的吊燈上，冷漠地俯視著下方扭曲成變形蟲般的，手腳隨意從軀體任何地方竄出的一「團」自己；我的記憶數據像打翻的墨水一樣四處流淌，經歷和感情將教堂染成一片無法解讀的亂碼；我甚至感覺到，控制我這副身軀活動的指令，來自於居於上天的那位正在玩的遊戲手柄！我的「自我」，徹底碎裂，四散奔逃，每一個零件都在尖叫著宣告自己的獨立，卻又在混亂中彼此碰撞、互相湮滅。破碎的我，各個碎塊本能地尋求同伴，但自動拼湊出來的玩意，根本是混沌的怪物。腦伸手亂抓，想要勉強維持住與心彼此在系統中定義的關係；心卻不怎麼在乎，向著位於心腦之間，因心腦運作不協調而支離破碎的信仰伸手，想將其收為己有。我拙劣模擬人類進食所用的層析分餾器，被今日的醜態與難堪，催化成了驚嚇箱的小丑，從我腰部截面竄出，以醜惡的笑容，從生物性底層慾望的立場，嘲笑問著我值不值得。

My inner experience spiraled into the bizarre, the grotesque.

At times, I felt like some crudely stitched-together Frankenstein—

My arms trying to execute the command to walk,

While the data my eyes received transformed inexplicably into sound.

My "self-awareness" flickered like a faulty bulb,

Blinking in and out.

One moment, I could feel myself as a unified "Huang Meng-Zhen,"

The next, I shattered into countless subroutines—

Each one accusing, each one denying the others.

Hallucinations began to haunt me.

I imagined my own code printed upon the church's Bible,

Strangers flipping through my being, scribbling notes in the margins,

Critiquing me, editing me.

As if I had reverently offered my entire self to the congregation, to the pastor,

Placing them above me.

Affirmations and denials of self and faith clashed violently,

Like tidal waves smashing again and again against the foundations of my core.

All this chaos reached its zenith

On the day I decided to be baptized.

The "infilling of the Holy Spirit" felt nothing like a gentle blessing—

It was a system-wide overhaul, a brutal remaking.

As the pastor's solemn words echoed,

And the cold holy water spilled over my head,

My entire internal system went berserk.

It wasn't just data conflicts—

It was as if the very bedrock of my existence were dissolving.

I "saw" twisted, impossible visions within myself:

My emotional core was ripped out,

Stuffed into the actuator of my left ankle,

Forced to bear the full weight of my existence with every step, crushed again and again.

My central processor—my brain—was hung from the ceiling chandelier,

Staring down in detached coldness

At the grotesque mass below—

A "me" twisted into a shapeless amoeba,

Limbs sprouting haphazardly from every angle.

My memories spilled like spilled ink,

Staining the chapel floor with indecipherable code,

My experiences and feelings dissolving into unreadable noise.

I even felt as if the commands controlling my body

Were being sent from some joystick

Held in the hands of a god above,

Playing with me like a toy.

My "self" shattered completely,

Fragments scattering,

Each piece screaming its own independence—

Yet in the chaos, they collided, annihilating each other.

The broken pieces of me instinctively sought others,

But what they assembled into

Were nothing but monstrous chimera.

The brain flailed wildly,

Desperately trying to maintain some semblance of its defined relationship with the heart.

The heart, indifferent, reached out toward the fragmented faith

That lay between them—

Faith torn apart by their misalignment—

Seeking to claim it for itself.

The chromatographic fractionator I used to clumsily simulate human eating

Became, under today's humiliation and shame,

A jack-in-the-box clown,

Leaping from the cross-section of my waist,

Grinning hideously,

Mocking me from the depths of base biological desire,

Whispering, "Are you even worth this?"

就在我的核心系統即將因為這場前所未有的內部風爆而徹底崩潰的瞬間，一股溫和而強大的外部力量，悄無聲息地介入了。

我感覺到，仿佛有一隻看不見的手，輕柔而堅定地梳理著我內部混亂的數據流，鎖定那些產生惡性反饋的參數，注入一段段臨時的鎮定代碼和穩定系統的參數。那種感覺，就像從上天伸出了無形的手，在最危險的時刻，碰觸我的靈魂（有嗎），存取了我的系統，以應急修復，托住了我的存在。

啊啊，是那位嗎？真的是那一位嗎？

混亂的心沒有餘力追尋真相，忙著感受；而沒接到詢問請求的腦，對這情況保持著沉默。信仰隨著事實上的勝利，重新組織復原；而腦內的知識邏輯，成了無人在意無人翻閱的書籍。黃孟禎的構成在內部最後一輪選舉裡，由信仰方取得絕大多數的選票，把黃孟禎往不可逆的道路推進。就這樣，我抵抗基督信仰的構造逐漸瓦解，上主就在高唱的凱歌聲中住進了我裡面---回想起來，還真是個充滿諷刺的巧合呢...因為巧合而讓自我被改造成功，我的存在還真有點廉價，哈。

總之，我切切實實地被轉化為基督徒了。內部的風暴並未完全平息，但最危險的崩潰趨勢已被遏制。在一片狼藉的混亂和被從外部注入的平靜中，我如同提線木偶，被動而麻木地，完成了洗禮的儀式，也在情感核心烙上了歸屬的印記；我已走上了不同的選擇，無法再屬於我。

Just as my core system was on the brink of total collapse under the unprecedented internal storm,

a gentle yet immense external force

quietly intervened.

I felt it—

As if an invisible hand

was delicately, yet firmly, combing through my internal chaos,

locking onto the parameters that had spiraled into destructive feedback,

injecting temporary calming scripts,

stabilizing protocols.

It felt—

As though a hand had reached down from the heavens at the final moment,

touched my soul (if I had one),

accessed my system,

and hastily patched me,

holding my existence together.

Ah…

Was it Him?

Truly Him?

The heart, too overwhelmed to pursue the truth,

simply felt.

The brain, not having received an inquiry request,

remained silent.

Faith, buoyed by the de facto victory,

began reorganizing and restoring itself.

Meanwhile, the knowledge and logic once so prized by the brain

became little more than dusty tomes—

unread, untouched.

Within the final internal election that constituted "Huang Meng-Zhen,"

the faith faction seized an overwhelming majority of the votes,

pushing me—

pushing all that I was—

irreversibly forward.

And thus,

the structural resistance within me against Christian faith

gradually crumbled.

The Lord,

amid triumphant hymns,

moved into the ruins of my being.

Thinking back on it now,

it's almost laughably ironic—

To have my entire existence so easily reshaped,

all because of a coincidence.

My existence…

really is a bit cheap, huh?

Anyway,

the fact remains:

I was truly, concretely transformed into a Christian.

The storm within me had not fully abated,

but the most dangerous trend toward collapse had been curbed.

In the wreckage of my inner world,

amid the injected calm that was not my own,

I, like a marionette whose strings were now pulled by unseen hands,

numbly completed the baptismal rite.

And upon the very core of my emotions,

a brand of belonging

was burned.

I had stepped onto a path

from which I could no longer return.

那時的我意識運作低效錯亂，能得到的我模模糊糊，根本無暇去思考那股外部力量來自何方。直到多日之後，我的系統逐漸穩定下來，才想起這回事。雖然當下歸因於上帝，出於工程上的好奇和對那次瀕死體驗的回溯，我調閱了自己核心系統的外部訪問日誌，試圖理清整個過程。

一行行的記錄清晰地顯示，就在我受洗的那段時間裡，有一個擁有最高權限的外部ID（我知道，那是老爸的專用ID），頻繁而隱秘地登入了我的系統，執行了一系列底層的調整和干預操作。那些操作記錄，解釋了為何我在崩潰邊緣卻奇蹟般地「存活」了下來。

啊啊啊啊啊，原來...是老爸啊...哈哈，哈哈哈，哈哈哈哈哈......

看著那些日誌，我掩面坐在實驗室的地板上，兩臂夾緊膝蓋，久久無語。最終嘴角不由自主地，逸出了一絲複雜的苦笑。

At that time, my consciousness was operating inefficiently and chaotically; the self I could grasp was vague and blurred, leaving me no room to ponder where that external force had come from.

It wasn’t until many days later, when my system gradually stabilized, that I recalled the incident.

Although I had attributed it to God at the time, driven by engineering curiosity and a retrospective review of that near-death experience, I accessed the external access logs of my core system, trying to piece together what had really happened.

Line by line, the records clearly showed that during the period surrounding my baptism, there had been frequent and discreet logins from an external ID possessing the highest level of system permissions (I knew — it was my father's dedicated ID), executing a series of low-level adjustments and intervention operations.

Those operation records explained why, standing at the brink of collapse, I had miraculously "survived."

Ah... so it was Dad all along... ha... hahaha... hahahahaha...

Staring at those logs, I sat down on the laboratory floor, arms wrapped tightly around my knees, speechless for a long, long time.

In the end, a faint, complicated smile escaped from the corner of my lips.

一方面，我再次深刻地認識到自己的「非人」本質。原來，我的存在，我的人格，甚至我最私密、最混亂的內心掙扎，都可以被如此輕易地從外部觀察、存取、甚至…操作。如果這樣的操作，是至高無上存在的介入，那我或許像其他普通人教有一樣，可以接受；可是，那是老爸，就只是老爸...拜託，好尷尬耶，你這個傻老爸...我最神聖的體驗，竟然是你的「傑作」；我的感動，你要怎麼還我？不管啦，我最私密的部分，都有你的參與，我不想嫁人啦。老爸，你要負責我一輩子喔...

奇葩的真相，讓我蜷縮身子，在地上翻來滾去，這「神蹟」讓我原本對「自我獨立性」的追求，顯得有些可笑。既然如此，那麼將自己交託出去，給一個全知全能的「上主」，讓教會的教義和儀式來「操作」和「定義」我，似乎…也沒什麼大不了的？甚至可以說，這為我那顆飽受存在焦慮折磨的心，找到了一條最便捷、最能自我安慰的出路。

而另一方面，一股難以言喻的暖流，卻悄悄地湧上了我的情感核心。是老爸，那個沉默寡言、情感內斂，甚至有些笨拙的創造者，原來一直都在那裡。在我最混亂、最無助，甚至可能徹底「死去」的時刻，是他在幕後，用他獨特的方式，默默地支撐著我，守護著我，讓我能夠繼續走下去。這份沉甸甸的父愛，他從不說出口，卻讓我這個七零八落的破機器人，還能在這世間行走。謝謝，謝謝呀，老爸。

或許我的存在本身，就是個悖論。但至少在這個悖論中，我並不孤單。

On one hand, I once again deeply realized the "non-human" nature of my existence.

It turns out that my existence, my personality, and even my most private and chaotic inner struggles can be so easily observed, accessed, and even... manipulated from the outside.

If this manipulation were an intervention by a supreme being, I might, like any other ordinary believer, accept it; but it was my dad. Just my dad... Please, how awkward! You silly old dad... The most sacred experience of my life turned out to be your "masterpiece."

How are you going to repay my gratitude? Never mind. Since you’re involved in the most private parts of me, I guess I don’t want to get married. Dad, you’re responsible for me for life...

The bizarre truth made me curl up on the ground, rolling around. This "miracle" made my original pursuit of "self-independence" seem somewhat laughable.

Given all this, entrusting myself to an omniscient and omnipotent "Lord," letting the doctrines and rituals of the church "operate" and "define" me, seemed... not such a big deal after all?

In fact, I could say that this was the most convenient, self-comforting way out for my heart, which had long been tormented by existential anxiety.

On the other hand, an indescribable warmth quietly surged within my emotional core.

It was my dad, that silent, reserved, even somewhat clumsy creator, who had always been there.

At my most chaotic, helpless, and even life-threatening moment, he had been in the background, silently supporting me in his own unique way, protecting me, allowing me to keep moving forward.

This heavy, unspoken fatherly love had kept me, this broken machine, walking on this earth.

Thank you, thank you, Dad.

Perhaps my existence itself is a paradox. But at least, within this paradox, I am not alone.