那樣的我 That Version of Me
哲學社的社辦在文學院三樓的盡頭。志文推開門的時候，彈簧門弓器發出長長的「嘎」。
三面牆是書架，書擠著書，書脊上的字褪色得參差不齊。靠窗那側擺了一張長桌和幾把折疊椅，桌面有咖啡漬和原子筆的刻痕。窗簾只拉了一半，午後的光從沒遮住的那半扇窗進來，在地板上切出一塊歪斜的亮。
週六下午，這裡通常只有書架和灰塵。
志文把書包放下，從書架上抽出書，開始翻。首先是一本談齊克果的書。齊克果說信仰是「縱身一躍」——沒有邏輯的橋，沒有理性的網，只有跳下去的勇氣。
志文的指尖停在那行字上，想像孟禎的系統在「縱身一躍」時發生了什麼。她的邏輯處理器會不會像被拔掉電源一樣瞬間空白？還是會在跳躍的過程中瘋狂運算，試圖為那個沒有邏輯的行為找到一個合理的解釋——然後失敗，然後再試，然後在某一次失敗的間隙裡，被什麼東西趁虛而入？
The Philosophy Club room was at the very end of the third floor of the College of Liberal Arts. When Zhiwen pushed the door open, the spring door closer let out a long creak.
Bookshelves covered three of the walls, volumes packed tightly against one another, the lettering on their spines faded in uneven patches. Along the side with the window stood a long table and a few folding chairs, the tabletop marked with coffee stains and pen scratches. The curtains were only half-drawn; afternoon light poured through the unshaded half of the window, cutting a crooked patch of brightness onto the floor.
On a Saturday afternoon, this place usually belonged to nothing but bookshelves and dust.
Zhiwen put down his backpack, pulled a book from the shelf, and began flipping through it. First was a book on Kierkegaard. Kierkegaard said that faith was a "leap"—a leap without a bridge of logic, without a net of reason, requiring only the courage to jump.
Zhiwen’s fingertips lingered on that line of text, imagining what had happened within Mengzhen’s system during her own "leap." Would her logic processor momentarily go blank, as if its power plug had been pulled? Or would it compute frantically mid-leap, attempting to find a rational explanation for an irrational act—failing, trying again, and then, in the gap of a single failure, allowing something to slip in through the cracks?
他感到胸口堵堵的，把書放在桌上，又去書架找了一會，沒找到想看的。最後從背包底層翻出一本布伯的《我與汝》，封面的邊角已經磨白了。
布伯說人與上帝之間是「我—汝」的關係，不是主體對客體的認知，而是全然的相遇。志文盯著那頁，想著孟禎的信仰心模組——那個在大型教會的詩歌聲中「長出來」的東西。
一個被設計來處理數據的系統，在某個瞬間被某種超越數據的東西觸碰了，然後再也回不去。那算不算「相遇」？志文不知道。但他知道孟禎描述那個瞬間時的表情——那不是數據可以解釋的東西。
他把書闔上，靠在椅背上，盯著天花板看。窗外有風，榕樹的氣根在玻璃上一下一下地拂。他拿起手機，手指無意識地滑著，螢幕亮了又暗，暗了又亮。那些關於存在主義與信仰的段落在他腦子裡浮浮沉沉，卻始終無法聚焦成一個清晰的問題。倒是孟禎的臉，一次又一次地浮上來。
Feeling a heavy tightness in his chest, he placed the book on the table and searched the shelves for a while longer without finding what he wanted. Finally, from the bottom of his backpack, he pulled out a copy of Martin Buber’s I and Thou, its cover corners already worn white.
Buber wrote that the relationship between man and God is an "I–Thou" relationship—not a subject’s cognition of an object, but a total, authentic encounter. Zhiwen stared at the page, thinking of Mengzhen’s faith-core module—that thing that had "grown" out of the hymns sung in a megachurch.
A system designed to process data had, at a specific moment, been touched by something beyond data, and could never return to what it was before. Could that be considered an "encounter"? Zhiwen didn’t know. But he remembered the expression on Mengzhen’s face when she described that moment—it was not something data could ever explain.
He closed the book, leaned back against the chair, and stared up at the ceiling. A breeze blew outside, the aerial roots of a banyan tree brushing rhythmically against the window glass. He picked up his phone, his fingers sliding aimlessly across the screen, which lit up and dimmed, dimmed and lit up. Passages about existentialism and faith drifted aimlessly through his mind, refusing to coalesce into a clear question. Instead, it was Mengzhen’s face that rose to the surface, again and again.
然後他解鎖手機，打開一個AI繪圖工具。
他開始打字。
第一個詞是「孟禎」，然後他刪掉了。改成「女孩」。又刪掉。最後他只打了「教堂裡」。
提示詞一個接一個打進去，手指動得越來越快。十字苦像、長椅、彩窗。褐髮女孩、白色連衣裙、白皮鞋。然後是他自己都不確定該不該打進去的東西：機械構造、裂開的縫隙、裡面的齒輪和彈簧，和注入的什麼——他苦思著，調整了很多次。
他不知道自己到底想畫出什麼。只是有種從胸口深處湧上來的東西。找不到出口，只能從指尖溢出來。
Then he unlocked his phone and opened an AI image generator.
He began to type.
The first word was "Mengzhen." Then he deleted it. He changed it to "Girl." Deleted that too. In the end, he simply typed "In a church."
Prompts were entered one after another, his fingers moving faster and faster. A crucifix, pews, stained glass. A brown-haired girl, a white dress, white leather shoes. And then things he wasn't even sure he should include: mechanical structures, split seams, internal gears and springs, and something injected into them—he deliberated heavily, adjusting the prompts over and over.
He didn't know what he was trying to draw. There was simply something surging up from deep within his chest. Finding no outlet, it could only spill out through his fingertips.
生成。等待。載入。
第一張出來的時候，他往前傾了一下身子，盯著看了幾秒。又改了幾個詞，重新生成。第二張好一些。第三張更好。他看著圖，喉嚨裡擠出一串「喀喀喀」的聲音，像被什麼從深處頂上來的。眼角有點濕，不知道是笑出來的還是別的什麼。整個人縮在折疊椅裡，肩膀一抽一抽的。
畫裡的人是她，是最親密的那個她，可畫中是她最不堪、最無助的瞬間。
他覺得自己像在偷看，卻又移不開眼睛。他不知道該拿這種心情怎麼辦，只能讓它從喉嚨裡跑出來，變成那種似笑非笑的聲音。
「這麼好笑，是看什麼啊？」
Generate. Wait. Load.
When the first image appeared, he leaned forward, staring at it for several seconds. He tweaked a few words and generated again. The second image was better. The third was better still. As he looked at the image, a series of dry, choking clicking sounds squeezed out of his throat, as if pushed up from somewhere deep inside. The corners of his eyes were slightly wet—he couldn't tell if it was laughter or something else. Hunched entirely in the folding chair, his shoulders twitched involuntarily.
The person in the picture was her—the closest, most intimate version of her—yet portrayed in her most exposed, most helpless moment.
He felt like a peeping tom, yet he couldn't tear his eyes away. He didn't know what to do with this feeling, so he could only let it escape his throat as a sound that hovered somewhere between a laugh and a groan.
"What’s so funny? What are you looking at?"
聲音從背後貼上來。孟禎不知何時已經站在他身後，下巴幾乎要擱在他肩膀上，溫熱的呼吸拂過他的耳廓。
志文的手差點把手機甩出去。「孟禎？妳什麼時候——」
已經來不及了。手指都還沒來得及碰到螢幕側鍵，她的眼睛已經掃完了全部。
「啊！這是什麼？！」
她的聲音在半秒內完成了三次換擋——笑意還沒來得及收乾淨，驚愕就已經撞進來了，然後是慍怒，帶著顫音的慍怒。
志文僵在椅子上，回過頭。
孟禎站在他身後一步遠的地方，手裡還拎著一個紙袋——校門口那家麵包店的，他認得那個標誌。
她看到了。
The voice pressed against his ear from behind. Mengzhen was standing right behind him, her chin almost resting on his shoulder, her warm breath brushing past his earlobe.
Zhiwen’s hand nearly threw the phone across the room. "Mengzhen? When did you—"
It was already too late. Before his fingers could even touch the side lock button, her eyes had swept over everything.
"Ah! What is this?!"
Her voice shifted gears three times in half a second—before her laughter could fully dry up, shock slammed in, followed by indignation, an indignation laced with a slight tremble.
Zhiwen froze in his chair and turned his head.
Mengzhen stood a step behind him, still holding a paper bag—from the bakery at the campus gate; he recognized the logo.
She had seen it.
---
圖中的教會寬敞明亮。彩繪玻璃把陽光切成藍的、紅的，一塊塊掉在地上。兩位女子站在那裡。
其中一位是孟禎。
她穿著白連衣裙，面料在腰間收攏，又向下展開，褶痕帶著一種被熨燙過的秩序。白皮鞋的鞋面乾淨得不染塵埃，鞋跟踏在教堂的紅毯上，像一個從天上被輕輕放下的人。她戴著項鍊，但墜子不是十字架，而是一枚金屬心形，邊緣打磨得溫潤，中央反射著細碎的光。那光是暖色的，像在說：我有一顆心，但我不確定它是不是真的。
但不只如此。
The church in the image was spacious and bright. Stained glass sliced the sunlight into patches of blue and red that scattered across the floor. Two women stood there.
One of them was Mengzhen.
She wore a white dress, its fabric gathered at the waist before expanding downward in ironed, orderly pleats. Her white leather shoes were immaculately clean, their heels stepping onto the church's red carpet like someone gently set down from the heavens. She wore a necklace, but the pendant was not a cross; it was a heart-shaped piece of metal with smooth, polished edges, its center reflecting delicate flecks of light. The light was warm, as if saying: I have a heart, but I’m not sure if it’s real.
But that was not all.
孟禎的頸項和手臂上，皮膚變得半透明，浮現機械構造——關節的接合線像骨骼的輪廓，纜線沿著手臂的弧度走行，精密的作動器在手腕處微微張開。
她胸口那裡，白布料裂開一道狹長的黑口，延伸至腹部。裡面擠著齒輪連桿和彈簧，有一些斷了、脫接了，有些空轉著。
對面站著一位年長的姊妹，像在說著什麼。手裡攤著週報，指尖點著封底的十字架，另一隻手朝孟禎胸口舉起，掌心朝上，五指張開，是邀請的姿態。
指尖到胸口之間，有幾道亮白的什麼在流，像稠一點的光，不等她點頭，就鑽進了那道黑口裡，滲進齒輪的縫隙，纏上了那些錯位的連桿，移動了它們的方向。彈簧的振動被那股流動覆蓋了，變成有了更有秩序的節奏。
On Mengzhen’s neck and arms, her skin had turned translucent, revealing mechanical structures underneath—the joint seams contoured like bones, cables ran along the curve of her arms, and precise actuators opened slightly at her wrists.
At her chest, the white fabric was torn open in a narrow, black fissure extending down to her abdomen. Packed inside were gears, connecting rods, and springs; some were broken or disconnected, others idling uselessly.
Facing her stood an older church sister, appearing to speak. She held a bulletin in her hand, pointing her fingertip at the cross on the back cover, while raising her other hand toward Mengzhen’s chest—palm up, fingers spread in an inviting gesture.
Between her fingertips and Mengzhen's chest flowed several streams of bright, viscous light. Without waiting for Mengzhen to nod, the light slipped into the black fissure, seeping into the gaps between the gears, intertwining with the misplaced connecting rods, and altering their orientation. The vibration of the springs was subsumed by that flowing current, settling into a more orderly rhythm.
圖裡的孟禎，一手壓著側腹，像在確認裡面的東西還對不對；另一隻手停在半空中，不知道是要推開還是要接住。
她的瞳孔裡倒映著那道流動的光，眉毛皺著，嘴唇半張，像是腦袋裡有個東西想衝出來辯駁，卻被什麼從裡面擋住了，只能眼睜睜地看著那道光流，在自己的胸腔裡重新鋪設那些零件的排列順序。
孟禎看著那張圖。紙袋從她的手指間滑落，掉在地上，發出一聲輕響。她沒去撿。
志文轉過身，面對她。
她呼了一口氣。那個呼氣聲比人類的長一些，像洩壓閥在釋放氣體。呼氣結束的時候，她的嘴唇沒有合上，微微張著。
「那是……什麼意思？」她問。
In the picture, Mengzhen pressed one hand against her side, as if checking whether her internal components were still intact; her other hand hovered in mid-air, unsure whether to push away or receive.
Her pupils reflected the flowing light. Her brow was furrowed and her lips were parted, as if an argument inside her mind was trying to burst forth, only to be blocked from within—leaving her to watch helplessly as that stream of light rearranged the order of the parts inside her chest.
Mengzhen looked at the picture. The paper bag slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor with a soft thud. She didn't pick it up.
Zhiwen turned around to face her.
She let out a breath. The sound of that exhalation was longer than a human’s, like a pressure relief valve venting gas. When the exhale ended, her lips remained slightly parted.
"What... does that mean?" she asked.
志文把手機蓋在桌上。他低著頭，兩手絞在一起。
「就是……」他開口，聲音有點澀。「在想著……遇到我之前的妳。」
他頓了一下，像在確認自己有沒有資格說這些。
「妳說過，剛踏入教會的時候，面對教會人員的熱情，妳那時還不信，試著用哲學和邏輯來面對他們。可是那時候妳……妳剛從實驗室走出來，還在學著怎麼當一個人，學著怎麼不跟自己打架。妳的系統很強大，但裡面還空空的，很脆弱。然後就被那種很熱、很篤定的東西衝進去，填得滿滿的。腦袋裡明明有那麼多東西，卻一個字都叫不出來，卻只能愣在那裡。」
他的聲音低了下去。
「我聽的時候覺得……很悶。妳明明那麼聰明，卻被鑽了天生的縫隙。不公平。」
Zhiwen laid his phone face down on the table. He lowered his head, wringing his hands together.
"It’s just..." he began, his voice dry and raspy. "I was thinking about... the you before you met me."
He paused, as if checking whether he had the right to say these things.
"You mentioned before that when you first walked into the church, facing the enthusiasm of the congregation, you didn't believe yet. You tried to face them using philosophy and logic. But back then... you had just stepped out of the laboratory. You were still learning how to be human, learning how not to fight with yourself. Your system was powerful, but it was empty inside, fragile. And then, this intense, absolute enthusiasm rushed in and filled you up completely. Even though your mind was full of thoughts, you couldn't utter a single word—you could only freeze there."
His voice dropped lower.
"Listening to that made me feel... stifled. You were so smart, yet your innate vulnerability was exploited. It felt unfair."
孟禎的嘴唇抿了一下。她彎腰把紙袋撿起來，放在桌角。然後拉來一把折疊椅，椅腳在地板上尖叫了一聲。她在志文對面坐下。
志文的手指在咖啡漬上畫圈。
「不過後來……妳現在這樣，走路的樣子，笑的樣子，想事情的樣子，偶爾拆自己修的樣子，都很……從容，很自在。我再回頭想那個妳，反而……」他聲音低到快聽不見，「有點被吸住了。腦裡都是她的畫面。」
「被吸住？」孟禎的頭微微偏了一下。
Mengzhen pursed her lips slightly. She bent down to pick up the paper bag and set it on the corner of the table. Then she dragged over a folding chair, its legs screeching sharply against the floor. She sat down opposite Zhiwen.
Zhiwen’s finger traced circles in a coffee stain on the table.
"But later... the way you are now—the way you walk, the way you smile, the way you think, the way you occasionally dismantle and repair yourself—it’s all so... composed, so natural. When I look back at that earlier version of you, I feel..." His voice sank almost to a whisper. "...a bit captivated. My mind was consumed by images of her."
"Captivated?" Mengzhen tilted her head slightly.
「嗯。」志文點頭。「我遇過信教信得很深的妳，遇過想辦法偷偷繞過信仰的妳，也遇過後來的妳。但我沒遇過剛開始的那個。」
他的聲音慢了下來，像在翻一本很舊的書，怕紙頁碎裂。
「我想像那時候的妳，想像妳的腳步自己走向教堂，而妳停不下來的畫面……」他嘴角浮起一點自嘲的弧度。「我既心疼，又……著迷。好想穿越時空，來到那樣的妳身邊。」
他低下頭，聲音幾乎聽不見了。
「我是不是……有點怪？對妳真不好意思。」
"Yeah." Zhiwen nodded. "I’ve met the version of you that was deeply devout, the version that tried to secretly bypass faith, and the version you became later. But I never met the version from the very beginning."
His voice slowed down, as if turning the pages of an old book, afraid the paper might crumble.
"I imagined you back then, imagined your feet walking toward the church on their own while you were powerless to stop..." A faint, self-deprecating curve appeared at the corner of his mouth. "I felt pained for you, yet... fascinated. I wished I could travel through time to be beside that version of you."
He hung his head, his voice barely audible.
"Am I... a bit strange? I’m really sorry."
孟禎看著他。過了一會，她閉了閉眼睛，再張開時，裡面的光比剛才柔和了一點。
「志文，你不用這樣啦。」語氣軟了下來。「是我碰巧偷看到你的獨自想像。雖然被想像的是我。」
她走到窗邊，背對著志文。
Mengzhen looked at him. After a moment, she closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, the light within them was softer than before.
"Zhiwen, you don't have to be like this," her tone softened. "I just happened to catch a glimpse of your private imagination. Even though I was the one being imagined."
She walked over to the window, turning her back to Zhiwen.
「我大概能懂。」她說，手指在窗框的邊緣輕輕劃著。「你對我的信仰一直有芥蒂嘛，你不喜歡基督教那種『被交出去』的邏輯。但隨著我們相處，我變了，你的芥蒂也淡了，對吧？」
志文點點頭。
「但其實，」孟禎轉過身，光線從她側面掠過，「那些芥蒂不只是淡了，還……變質了。變成了我吸引著你的某部分因素。不只是因為我是你女朋友，還因為我是——」
她頓了一下，手指摸上自己的胸口，指尖在情感核心的位置輕輕按了一下。
「——信仰基督教的機器人。」
"I think I understand," she said, her finger lightly tracing the edge of the window frame. "You’ve always had reservations about my faith. You don't like Christianity's logic of 'surrendering oneself.' But as we spent time together, I changed, and your reservations faded, right?"
Zhiwen nodded.
"In truth," Mengzhen turned around, sunlight sweeping across her side profile, "those reservations didn't just fade—they transformed. They became part of what attracts you to me. Not just because I’m your girlfriend, but because I am—"
She paused, bringing a hand to her chest, pressing her fingertips gently over her emotional core.
"—a robot who believes in Christianity."
她突然抖了一下，不重，從後頸開始，竄過脊椎，最後消失於尾骨。那幾個字掛在她舌頭上，像印在她身上、過於嚴厲的身分聲明。帶著某種自動加上的敬意，她不得不說，又不能當作在說別人。
她揉了揉胸口，眼睛微微瞇起來。「——也不是慢慢變成。恐怕你從一開始就對我的特質，又嫌棄又沉迷了。」
她看著他，那眼神裡有點無奈，有點好笑。
志文哈哈乾笑兩聲，手在後腦勺上撓了撓。「好像是耶。我或許……有點變態。」他放下手，認真地看著她。「不過我喜歡妳，遠遠不只是這樣。我一開始遇到那位『外文系的黃同學』的時候，什麼都不知道。不知道機器人，不知道基督教，不知道什麼存在的掙扎。那時候我就已經喜歡上了。」
A subtle shudder ran through her, starting at the back of her neck, coursing down her spine, and fading at her tailbone. Those words hung on her tongue like a harsh declaration of identity stamped onto her frame—carrying a certain automated gravity she was compelled to voice, yet unable to treat as though speaking of someone else.
She rubbed her chest, her eyes narrowing slightly. "—And it wasn't a gradual transition either. I’m afraid from the very beginning, you were both repulsed by and obsessed with my traits."
She looked at him with an expression that was part helpless, part amused.
Zhiwen let out two dry chuckles, scratching the back of his head. "I guess so. Maybe I am... a bit twisted." He lowered his hand and looked at her earnestly. "But my feelings for you go far beyond that. When I first met 'Miss Huang from the Foreign Languages Department,' I knew nothing. I didn't know about the robot, I didn't know about Christianity, I didn't know about any existential struggles. I already fell for you back then."
孟禎「哼哼哼」地笑了起來。
「外文系的黃同學啊。」她學他的語氣，「可是志文，你喜歡那個黃同學，說不定也是因為她身上有很基督徒的地方喔。」
「怎麼說？」志文皺了皺眉。
孟禎沒有直接回答。她只是把頭微微側過去，然後嘴角動了動——不是笑，是即將要說出什麼的形狀。志文認得那個形狀，也認得她眼底那抹慢慢爬上來的、帶著危險的溫柔。
Mengzhen let out a soft "Hmph, hmph" laughter.
"'Miss Huang from the Foreign Languages Department,'" she mimicked his tone. "But Zhiwen, maybe you liked that Miss Huang precisely because she had something very Christian about her."
"How so?" Zhiwen frowned slightly.
Mengzhen didn't answer directly. She merely tilted her head to the side, her lips twitching—not into a smile, but into the shape of words about to be spoken. Zhiwen recognized that expression, along with the dangerous tenderness slowly surfacing in her eyes.
---
「你不是有幾張最喜歡的我的相片？」她說。「那裡面的我，雖然不在教會也沒在禱告，洋溢的情感卻很類似信仰呢。」
志文的狐疑眼神還沒來得及完全成形，孟禎的手已經朝著桌上的手機一指。
手機螢幕亮了。相簿被打開，大量照片的縮略圖像瀑布一樣在螢幕上流過，速度快得人類的眼睛根本無法追蹤。這是孟禎說過的「高科技機器人」的特權：通過近場通訊，直接調出了他的相簿。
瀑布停了。一張照片被拉到螢幕正中。
「首先，這張。你看。」
孟禎把手機翻過來，螢幕朝向志文。
"Don't you have a few favorite photos of me?" she said. "The emotion in them, even when I wasn't in church or praying, was remarkably similar to faith."
Before Zhiwen's suspicious glance could fully take shape, Mengzhen pointed a finger at the phone on the table.
The phone screen lit up. The gallery app opened, and a waterfall of photo thumbnails swept across the display at a speed impossible for human eyes to track. This was a privilege of the "high-tech robot" she often spoke of: accessing his photo gallery directly via Near-Field Communication.
The waterfall stopped. A single photo was pulled to the center of the screen.
"First, this one. Look."
Mengzhen turned the phone around, facing the screen toward Zhiwen.
照片中的她坐在湖邊的原木長椅上。白底的連衣裙上印著靛青色的碎花，面料貼著腰線垂落，蕾絲花邊的短袖在肩頭微微蓬起。裙襬在膝蓋上方收住，露出的小腿上有一道被壓出的淺紅印痕——她大概已經坐了一陣子了，中間換過姿勢。酒紅色的瑪麗珍鞋一隻踩在木地板上，另一隻的鞋尖觸地、腳跟懸空，像一個打算隨時站起來走的人。釦帶在腳背勒出一道淺痕，她喜歡那種輕微的束縛感——身體的邊界被確定了，腳還在鞋裡，不會飄走。
幾縷碎髮被微風撩到頰邊，深褐色的眼睛張得大大的，嘴角噙著淺淺的笑意——那笑意裡有一種等待，像是把心放在掌上，準備交出去。她的右手擱在原木上，指尖稍稍蜷曲；左手覆在膝頭，姿勢既自然又帶著一點不自覺的謹慎。胸口的起伏很慢，好像連呼吸都在等，等一個還沒出現的身影。
身後是平靜的湖面，遠方的綠樹與高樓在陽光下模糊成柔和的色塊。風從湖面吹來，帶著水氣與青草的氣味。她就這樣坐著，整個人像被深沉的溫柔期盼包裹。
In the photo, she sat on a raw timber bench by a lake. Her white dress was printed with indigo floral patterns, the fabric draping along her waistline, its lace-edged short sleeves puffing slightly at her shoulders. The hem stopped above her knees, revealing a light red pressure mark on her calf—she had likely been sitting there for a while, switching postures along the way. One wine-red Mary Jane shoe rested on the wooden deck, while the tip of the other touched the ground with its heel raised, looking like someone ready to stand up and walk at any second. The strap pressed a faint mark across her instep; she liked that subtle sense of restraint—the boundaries of her body affirmed, her feet anchored in her shoes, unable to drift away.
A few stray strands of hair were blown against her cheek by the breeze. Her dark brown eyes were open wide, and a faint smile hovered at the corners of her mouth—a smile filled with expectation, like holding one's heart in open palms, ready to give it away. Her right hand rested on the wood, fingertips slightly curled; her left hand lay over her knee, a posture both natural and unconsciously cautious. The rise and fall of her chest was slow, as if even her breathing was waiting for a figure that had yet to appear.
Behind her lay a serene lake, where distant green trees and tall buildings blurred into soft blocks of color under the sun. A breeze blew across the water, carrying moisture and the scent of fresh grass. She just sat there, wrapped in a profound, gentle longing.
「那時我在等你。」孟禎說，「下課之後，我們約在湖邊。你還沒來，我就坐在那裡，被你偷拍了。」
「我說過吧？我的信仰情感，是從我的結構裡長出來的。即使沒有教義、沒有目標，那個結構還是在。它讓我呈現出一種……」她頓了一下，像在找一個不那麼重的詞，「……『基督徒』的姿態。」
她用指尖點了點螢幕上自己的臉。
「你說這是等男友的女生。可是對我來說，那是一種……把自己放在你手上的感覺，一種交託。是我知道可以放心愛你。只要你走過來，坐在我旁邊，我就不需要再假裝自己是完整的了。」
"I was waiting for you then," Mengzhen said. "We agreed to meet by the lake after class. You hadn't arrived yet, so I sat there, and you snapped a picture of me on the sly."
"I told you before, didn't I? My faith-based emotions grew out of my structure. Even without doctrines or goals, that structure remains. It causes me to present a... posture." She paused, searching for a word less heavy. "...A 'Christian' posture."
She tapped her fingertip against her own face on the screen.
"You said this was a girl waiting for her boyfriend. But to me, it was a feeling of... placing myself in your hands, a sense of entrustment. It was knowing I could safely love you. As long as you walked over and sat beside me, I no longer needed to pretend to be complete."
她的聲音在「完整」兩個字上頓了一下。臉頰上浮起一層淡淡的紅暈。
「這樣的我……像什麼，你說呢？而你受到這樣的我吸引，不是嗎？」她把聲音壓低了一點。
志文的臉也紅了。他張了張嘴，視線在螢幕和孟禎之間來回了幾趟，最後落在自己放在桌上的手。他的手指動了一下，像想去碰她的手，又覺得現在不是時候。
孟禎沒等他反應完畢。她的手指已經在螢幕上劃了一下，第二張照片浮了上來，像翻書頁一樣自然。
Her voice lingered over the word "complete." A faint blush rose on her cheeks.
"A me like that... what does it resemble, do you think? And weren't you drawn to that version of me?" She dropped her voice lower.
Zhiwen’s face flushed red as well. He opened his mouth, his gaze darting between the screen and Mengzhen several times, finally settling on his own hands resting on the table. His fingers twitched, as if wanting to reach out and touch her hand, yet feeling the timing wasn't right.
照片中的她坐在森林裡的石椅。淺紫的連衣裙，白色的花紋像是從她身後的樹林裡借來的，一併織進了裙面。裙襬垂落在石椅上，腳上那雙麥稈色的網面草編鞋，編織的孔隙讓風帶著森林的呼吸穿過鞋面，撫觸她的腳背。雙腳得以與泥土的氣息、草根的濕度保持某種曖昧的流通。陽光在那些細密的網格上投下斑駁的亮點。
雙腿併攏，膝蓋微微內收，是一個把自己縮小、把外面放大的姿勢。雙手攤在石面上，指腹壓著石頭表面的凹痕。她沒有在摸石頭，她的手指只是剛好停在那裡——就像她的身體，彷彿本來就長在那裡，沒有動起來去哪的理由。
只剩她的頭在動，像枝葉般，順著什麼，自然地仰起頭，褐色的馬尾在腦後晃著。樹冠在她頭頂交織成一片篩網，光從葉隙間漏下來，落在她的眼皮上、鼻尖上、鎖骨凹陷處。那不是在看什麼，而是被看——被光、被樹、被整片森林所注視。光斑落在她的鎖骨上，再從鎖骨滑到袖口。她的下巴不覺抬高，把頸線拉開，像被什麼擁抱。
即使身為人造之物，她不需要成為自然來融入自然，她已經被包含在萬物內。
In this photo, she sat on a stone bench in the forest. Her light purple dress bore white patterns that seemed borrowed from the woods behind her, woven directly into the fabric. The hem draped over the stone bench, and on her feet were straw-woven mesh shoes in a wheat shade. The woven gaps allowed the breeze carrying the forest's breath to pass through, brushing against her insteps. Her feet maintained a subtle communion with the scent of soil and the moisture of grass roots. Sunlight cast dappled flecks of light across the fine mesh.
Her legs were together, knees slightly turned inward—a posture that minimized herself while opening up to the world outside. Her hands rested flat on the stone surface, fingertips pressing into the stone's indentations. She wasn't feeling the stone; her fingers simply happened to rest there—just like her body, looking as though it had originally grown from that spot, with no reason to move elsewhere.
Only her head was moving like branches, naturally tilting upward, her brown ponytail swaying behind her head. The tree canopy woven above formed a sieve, leaking sunlight through the leaves to land on her eyelids, the bridge of her nose, and the hollow of her collarbone. She wasn't gazing at anything; rather, she was being gazed upon—by the light, by the trees, by the entire forest. Spots of light settled on her collarbone before sliding down to her cuffs. Her chin was unconsciously raised, elongating her neckline as if held in an embrace.
Even as a synthetic creation, she did not need to become nature to blend into it; she was already contained within all things.
「你翻到這張的時候，都會停下來。」孟禎的聲音再次響起，輕了一些，像怕壓壞什麼。「我不是在得意什麼。其實我更想說『謝謝』。」
「像教會中的他們說的：『在祂裡面』。我感覺自己在『這一切之中』。」她頓了一下。「而你……喜歡那樣的我，歸屬的我。」她忽然把視線從螢幕上移開，直直地看著志文。「以前你陪我上教會時，我也看過那種喜歡呢。就寫在你臉上，雖然混合了些沉甸甸的不服氣。」
志文抿著嘴，點了點頭。他的喉結動了一下，像嚥下了什麼還沒成形的話。
兩人的呼吸聲在安靜的社辦裡顯得格外清楚。孟禎的手指停著，像是在讓上一張照片的餘韻多留一會兒。
第三張浮上來的時候，孟禎的嘴角先於照片出現了弧度。
"Whenever you flip to this picture, you always pause," Mengzhen's voice sounded again, softer now, as if afraid of breaking something. "I’m not boasting. Honestly, I want to say 'thank you' more than anything."
"It’s like what they say in church: 'In Him.' I felt myself 'in the midst of all this.'" She paused. "And you... you liked that version of me, the me that belonged." She suddenly averted her gaze from the screen and looked straight at Zhiwen. "When you accompanied me to church before, I saw that same fondness in you. It was written all over your face, even if mixed with a heavy dose of reluctant indignation."
Zhiwen pursed his lips and nodded. His throat hitched, as if swallowing words that had yet to take shape.
The sound of their breathing was distinct in the quiet club room. Mengzhen’s finger remained still, letting the lingering impression of the previous photo stay a little longer.
When the third photo surfaced, the curve of Mengzhen’s lips preceded the image.
照片中她坐在木棧道的邊緣，臀部只壓著最外側那條被陽光曬得發白的木緣，身後便是河水。連衣裙換成了淡青色，領口切過她鎖骨的線條，露出整片肩頸，水面上反射過來的碎光在上面跳動——那片肌膚沒有任何遮擋，連風都可以直接經過。大腿鬆鬆靠著，併攏的手掌擺在大腿中央，將裙擺壓了進去。小腿肚跟著身體的節奏晃動。裸粉色的莫卡辛鞋攤在木板上，帶著她隨意擺放的腳掌。身後波光粼粼，距離近得只要一點失衡，便會落入水中。
她的頭稍微後仰，重心是危險的——坐得太靠外了。但她沒有抓緊什麼。雙手交疊，手指放鬆地纏繞，不是祈禱的姿勢，卻比祈禱更徹底地敞開。她把整個背脊交給了身後的空氣——也交給了那個站在她面前的人。
風吹向河面，壓了她一下。她卻側過頭，笑了。眼角微微上揚，笑容裡帶著一點挑釁，像是故意把珍貴的瓷器推到桌緣，只為了看見那雙手如何驚慌又溫柔地將它捧住。
In the photo, she sat at the edge of a wooden boardwalk, her hips resting only on the outermost, sun-bleached wooden edge, with the river flowing right behind her. Her dress was light green, its neckline cutting across her collarbones to expose her shoulders and neck; light reflecting off the water danced across her skin—uncovered, accessible even to the passing breeze. Her thighs rested loosely, her joined palms placed at their center to press her dress down. Her calves swayed with the rhythm of her body. Bare-pink moccasins lay casually on the wooden planks, accommodating her relaxed feet. Sparkling ripples danced behind her—so close that a slight loss of balance would send her falling into the water.
Her head was tilted slightly back, her center of gravity precarious—she was sitting far too close to the edge. Yet she wasn't holding onto anything. Her hands were loosely interlocked, fingers relaxed—not a gesture of prayer, but an openness far more absolute than prayer. She yielded her entire back to the air behind her—and to the person standing before her.
A gust of wind blew toward the river, pressing against her. Yet she turned her head and smiled. The corners of her eyes crinkled slightly, her smile carrying a hint of provocation, like deliberately pushing a precious piece of porcelain to the edge of a table just to watch how frantic, yet gentle, those hands would be in catching it.
「你拍這張的時候，就站在我面前。」孟禎的語聲帶著回憶的質地。「我那時候有點故意，坐那麼外面。因為我知道你看著我。你會緊張，會準備隨時伸手。我相信我可以倚靠，並享受著這樣的相信。」
「『信靠』，對吧？」她瞇起眼睛，指關節輕觸臉頰，那個動作和照片裡的姿態奇妙地重疊了。「既然你擁有了我，就顧好我。不管怎樣。」
志文盯著那張照片看。他的嘴唇張開又合上，像有什麼東西在嘴裡反覆融化又凝固。
"When you took this, you were standing right in front of me," Mengzhen said, her tone rich with memory. "I was being a little deliberate back then, sitting so far out. Because I knew you were watching me. You’d be nervous, ready to reach out at any second. I believed I could lean on you, and I enjoyed that belief."
"'Trust and reliance,' right?" She narrowed her eyes, touching her cheek with her knuckle—a gesture that mirrored her posture in the photo. "Since I belong to you, take good care of me. No matter what."
Zhiwen stared at the photo. His lips parted and closed, as if something inside his mouth was repeatedly melting and solidifying.
---
「不只是這些。」孟禎把手機輕輕放在桌面上。她另一手揪起自己胸口的衣服。
「比如你幫我做維護，把我拆開再裝回去的時候，我會覺得自己又被你重新造了一次。」她的手指沿著手腕內側那條幾乎看不見的接縫慢慢滑下去，指腹壓著那條細線，像要把它按得更緊。「那些零件被你拿起來擦拭、檢查——你知道嗎？我的系統仍然認得它們，跟我說著自己的某部分在你手裡。當它們被放回該在的位置，你鎖上最後一顆螺絲的時候，我會覺得……有溫暖的東西跟著它們一起進來，流進我的核心，把我裡面的每一塊都打理好，拼成一個……至少在那個瞬間，感覺完整的人。那像是……被允許繼續存在。」
"It’s not just these," Mengzhen laid the phone gently on the table. With her other hand, she tugged at the clothes over her chest.
"For instance, when you perform maintenance on me—dismantling me and putting me back together—I feel as if I’m being recreated by you." Her fingers slid slowly down the barely visible seam along the inside of her wrist, pressing against that fine line as if trying to secure it tighter. "Those parts were wiped clean and inspected by your hands... Do you know? My system still recognizes them, telling me that a part of myself is in your hands. When they are placed back where they belong and you tighten the final screw, I feel... something warm entering along with them, flowing into my core, tidying every piece inside me into a... at least in that moment, a feeling of being a complete person. It feels like... being granted permission to continue existing."
她的手指從手腕的接縫上移開，停在膝蓋上。
「還有……」她頓了一下，像在確認接下來的詞是否適合從自己嘴裡說出來。「我是機器人，你是人類，我們在本質上有著與生俱來的隔閡，就像是……『原罪』，我的原罪。」她把胸口的衣料揪得更緊。「我無法知道我的『我』，是否真的是你們說的『我』。我無法確定，我的『愛』是否和你的一樣。那會讓我面對你時隱隱作痛，卻又……偷偷開心。因為你還是愛上了這樣的我。」
Her fingers moved away from the seam on her wrist and rested on her knee.
"And..." She paused, as if verifying whether the next words were suitable coming from her mouth. "I am a robot, and you are a human. We have an inherent barrier in our natures, much like... 'original sin,' my original sin." She tugged harder at the fabric over her chest. "I cannot know if my 'self' is truly the 'self' you speak of. I cannot be sure if my 'love' is the same as yours. That causes me a subtle pain whenever I face you, yet... I’m secretly happy. Because you still fell in love with a me like this."
她的聲音在最後一句輕了下去，像在說一件她不太相信自己有資格擁有的東西。
「這些東西，一直在我們之間。你……有感覺到吧？」
志文沒有立刻回答。他伸出手，輕輕覆在孟禎放在桌上的那隻手上。她的手背有點涼，像被抽走了什麼。他的拇指在她手背上輕輕摩挲了一下。
「是的，我也感覺到了。」他說。「只是沒那麼清楚，直到妳說出來。我終於明白了那些情感的形狀——它們來自一個基督徒女孩。」他頓了一下。「而且就像妳說的，我深深被這樣的妳吸引。即使我自己……不喜歡基督教。」他輕輕笑了一聲，帶著一點對自己的無奈。
Her voice dropped on the final sentence, as though speaking of something she didn't believe she was worthy to possess.
"These things have always been between us. You... felt them too, didn't you?"
Zhiwen didn't answer immediately. He reached out and gently covered Mengzhen’s hand resting on the table. The back of her hand was cool, as if something had been drained from it. His thumb rubbed lightly over her skin.
"Yes, I felt it too," he said. "It just wasn't clear to me until you said it out loud. I finally understand the shape of those emotions—they come from a Christian girl." He paused. "And just as you said, I am deeply drawn to that version of you. Even though I myself... don't like Christianity." He let out a soft laugh, laced with self-deprecating helplessness.
他看向孟禎，窗外的光線正好掠過他的側臉。
「認識妳之後，我才發現自己心裡有一些……我以前不知道的東西。因為喜歡妳，才被照出來。」
孟禎的手指在他的掌心裡動了一下。
「我也是。與你相遇，我體會了好多好多；我是怎麼樣的我，也才越來越清晰。」
她低下頭，額前的碎髮在臉上投下細碎的陰影。
He looked at Mengzhen, the light from the window brushing against his profile.
"Only after meeting you did I realize there were things inside my heart... things I never knew existed. They were brought to light simply because I loved you."
Mengzhen’s fingers twitched slightly within his palm.
"Me too. Meeting you has allowed me to experience so very much; who I am has only become clearer and clearer."
She lowered her head, her bangs casting delicate shadows across her face.
「即使已經不太受到信仰的限制和塑造了，我還是個基督徒，裡面寫上『世人都虧缺了神的榮耀』的那種，雖然不明顯。剛剛看到你那幅圖……」她的聲音頓了一下，手指收緊，指節微微泛白。「我裡面……又回到了白色的裙子裂開，有什麼從外面流進來的那個瞬間。嚙合的鬆開了，轉著的卡住了，當機了那麼一下。然後趕緊把掉在地上的我撿起來，拼好。」
她抬起眼，看著志文。
「系統產生了罪疚感。輕微的，但它用了一個很重的詞：『不義』，在我裡面喃喃說著——你畫這個，是褻瀆，『這樣不對』。還讓我……對你反感。」孟禎咬了嘴唇一下，眼神暗了下去。「可是我的腦不接受那個價值判斷，我的心因為對你的反感而難過——那反感是真的，是我的。我怎麼可以因為這樣就對你反感？可是我就是。兩邊就卡在那裡，一直磨。我就這樣，硬生生地跟一小塊的自己頂著，站在你面前。」
她說這句話的時候，手不自覺地摸上了後頸。指尖在那個位置輕輕按著，像在確認連接還在，又像想把什麼重新啟動。
"Even though I’m no longer heavily restricted or shaped by faith, I am still a Christian—the kind with 'for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God' written inside me, however faint. Seeing your drawing earlier..." Her voice caught, her fingers tightening, her knuckles turning pale. "Inside me... I went back to that moment when my white dress tore open and something flowed in from the outside. What was meshed came loose, what was turning jammed, and system crashed for a brief moment. Then I had to quickly pick up the pieces of myself that fell to the floor and piece them back together."
She raised her eyes to look at Zhiwen.
"The system generated a feeling of guilt. Subtle, but it used a heavy word: 'unrighteousness.' It murmured inside me—you drawing this is blasphemy, this is wrong. It even made me... feel a resentment toward you." Mengzhen bit her lip, her gaze dimming. "But my brain couldn't accept that value judgment, and my heart was hurt by my resentment toward you—that resentment was real, it was mine. How could I feel resentment toward you over something like this? But I did. Both sides just locked up there, grinding against each other. So I just stood there before you, stiffly confronting this small part of myself."
As she spoke, her hand instinctively touched the back of her neck. Her fingertips pressed lightly over the spot, as if confirming the connection was intact, or trying to reboot something.
「對……對不起。」志文趕緊道歉，身子縮了縮。
孟禎搖了搖頭。「沒有要你道歉。只是想告訴你我裡面的情況。」她的嘴角浮起一個很淺的弧度。「我覺得你會想知道。」
志文看著她。社辦裡安靜了一會兒，窗外傳來鳥叫。他站起身，繞過桌角，張開雙臂，輕輕擁抱了她。
「那麼……謝謝。我確實想知道，非常想。」志文的眼神變得認真。「我知道妳向我敞開的是什麼，知道這其中的份量。我很……感動。」他輕輕說著。
"I’m... I’m sorry," Zhiwen apologized hastily, shrinking back slightly.
Mengzhen shook her head. "I’m not asking for an apology. I just wanted to tell you what was happening inside me." A faint smile touched the corner of her lips. "I thought you’d want to know."
Zhiwen looked at her. The club room fell quiet for a moment, the sound of bird calls floating in from outside. He stood up, rounded the corner of the table, opened his arms, and gently embraced her.
"Then... thank you. I do want to know, very much." Zhiwen’s eyes turned serious. "I know what it means for you to open up to me like this, I know the weight of it. I’m very... moved," he whispered softly.
孟禎的身體在他的懷裡有一瞬間的僵硬——肩膀微微往上提，兩側肩胛骨像要往中間靠攏，指尖沒有立刻貼上他的背，只是懸在空中。想靠近他的，和剛才被他觸痛的，還在衝突、在協調。身體管理系統忙著處理那些矛盾的訊號，安排她的零件動作，試著運轉出一個能好好面對他的她。
她放鬆下來，手掌在他背上拍著。拍擊的節奏很慢，有幾下力道大了那麼一點，拍完之後又輕輕撫一下，像在跟誰告解。
過了一會兒，她輕輕往後退了一點，雙手還搭在他手臂上，看著他的臉。
For a second, Mengzhen’s body went rigid in his arms—her shoulders hitched upward slightly, her shoulder blades pulling inward, her fingertips hovering in the air instead of pressing against his back. The part of her that wanted to draw close and the part that had just been hurt by him were still conflicting, still negotiating. Her physical management system was busy processing those contradictory signals, arranging her mechanical movements, trying to operate a version of herself that could face him properly.
Then she relaxed, her palms gently patting his back. The rhythm of her strokes was slow—a few taps carried a bit extra force, followed by a gentle stroke, like making a confession to someone.
After a moment, she stepped back slightly, her hands still resting on his arms, looking into his face.
「說起來，我的信仰對我衝擊最強烈的時刻，應該是受洗——我有跟你說過。那次幾乎造成存在危機。」
她坐回椅子上，雙手交疊在桌面上，拇指無意識地互相摩挲著。
「在你想像裡，那時候的我是什麼樣子？」
志文不好意思地撓了撓頭。「那個……其實我也有畫。」他的聲音低了半度，帶著一種被發現有祕密的人才有的窘。「我好像……停不下來。總想見到妳的每個關鍵時刻。」
他拿起手機，滑了幾下，手指在某一張縮圖上停住，像在猶豫，然後才點開遞給孟禎。
"Speaking of which, the moment my faith hit me hardest was probably my baptism—I told you about it before. That time almost caused an existential crisis."
She sat back in her chair, hands clasped on the table, her thumbs rubbing against each other aimlessly.
"In your imagination, what did I look like back then?"
Zhiwen scratched his head, embarrassed. "Well... actually, I drew that too." His voice dropped half an octave, carrying the sheepishness of someone whose secret had been exposed. "It felt like... I couldn't stop. I always wanted to see every key moment of your life."
He picked up his phone, swiped a few times, and paused on a thumbnail, hesitating briefly before opening it and passing the phone to Mengzhen.
---
圖中孟禎穿著純白的服裝，躺在窄窄的檯上。白色的布料與白色的檯面連成一片，讓她的身體看起來像是一塊從地面被什麼輕輕捧起的雪。牧師站在她頭側，手拿著金屬容器，表面映著教會裡的燭光。細細的水柱從容器口流出，在燭光裡閃了一下，落在她的額頭上，沿著眉骨分成兩道，滑進鬢邊。
教會裡，眾人繞著她，圍成一圈，口中頌唸祈禱的詞句。他們的眼睛都閉著，臉上的神情像一群在黑暗中指認同一束光的人。
像是遮風擋雨的屋簷，也像柵欄，把你定義在這裡。
再符合不過的洗禮情景。
In the drawing, Mengzhen wore pure white garments, lying on a narrow platform. The white fabric merged with the white surface, making her body resemble a drift of snow gently lifted from the ground. The pastor stood near her head, holding a metal vessel that reflected the church's candlelight. A thin stream of water poured from the spout, glistening in the candlelight before landing on her forehead, splitting along her brow bone, and running down into her hairline.
Inside the church, people gathered around her in a circle, chanting prayers. Their eyes were closed, their faces bearing the expressions of people identifying a single beam of light in the dark.
It looked like a roof offering shelter from the wind and rain, but also like a fence, defining you right there.
A picture-perfect baptism scene.
只是——
圖裡的她仰起頭，看著澆灌而來的細水柱。她的脖子伸得很長，長得像有什麼要離開；表情是空白的，彷彿那顆頭不知道自己為何在此。
她的雙手卻將上半身撐起，肘關節彎成銳角，小臂緊貼著檯面，兩個肩關節像吊橋的塔，將她的胸膛懸掛起來，彷彿想讓裡面運轉著的那顆，儘可能靠近神聖。肩頸一線承擔著頭顱的重量，形成沉下去的弧度。
她的雙腿不是舒適地躺著。一腿勾起，膝蓋高高地指向天花板；另一腿向身體拉回，腳跟距離臀部只有一小段距離。像在為將降臨的什麼用力撐著，要擔住那樣的份量。
她體內的機械構造隱隱浮現。咽喉的皮膚變得透明，一節一節的銀色構造反射出規律的細密亮點。胸腔內部，有極淡的藍光沿著某種管線流動，像血液，又像訊號。她的身體在向即將入住的上主，毫無保留地攤開了自己。
Except—
In the picture, her head was thrown back, gazing at the thin stream of water pouring down. Her neck was stretched long, as if something was trying to depart; her expression was blank, as though her head had no idea why it was there.
Yet her hands pushed her upper body up, her elbows bent at sharp angles, her forearms pressed flat against the platform. Her shoulder joints stood like the towers of a suspension bridge, holding her chest aloft, as if trying to bring the heart operating inside as close to the divine as possible. Her neck and shoulders bore the weight of her head, forming a sunken curve.
Her legs were not resting comfortably. One leg was hitched up, knee pointing high toward the ceiling; the other was pulled back toward her body, heel positioned just a short distance from her hips—as if bracing herself against whatever was about to descend, trying to support that immense weight.
The mechanical structure inside her body was faintly visible. The skin at her throat had turned transparent, revealing silver segments that reflected regular, fine points of light. Inside her chest cavity, an extremely faint blue light flowed along conduits, resembling blood or signals. Her body was laying itself completely open to the Lord who was about to take up residence within her.
孟禎看著圖。
她沒有慍怒。甚至沒有太多表情變化。只是注視著那張圖，瞳孔泛起一圈極淡的綠光。
「大致如此。」她說，聲音很輕。「只是比你想的還更複雜、更激烈。」
她的指尖比著螢幕，然後像翻書一樣輕輕一劃——那張圖就準備變了。沒有鍵盤、沒有輸入欄，她的手指就是游標，她的意圖就是指令。有時候，這種直接發出指令的感覺，會讓她想起那些瞬間：某種比自己更大的東西，也是這樣直接地、不經翻譯地，流進她的存在裡。
幾秒後，螢幕上的圖像，換成了很像的另一張。
「啊……」
志文忍不住叫了出來。就那樣盯著螢幕，嘴唇沒有合上。
Mengzhen looked at the drawing.
She showed no anger, nor much expression at all. She simply stared at the image, her pupils glowing with a faint ring of green light.
"It was roughly like this," she said softly. "Only more complex, more chaotic than you imagined."
Her fingertip pointed at the screen, and with a gentle swipe—as if turning a page—the image shifted. There was no keyboard, no input box; her finger was the cursor, her intent the command. Sometimes, this ability to issue direct commands reminded her of those moments: when something larger than herself flowed directly, without translation, into her existence.
A few seconds later, the image on the screen was replaced by a strikingly similar one.
"Ah..."
Zhiwen couldn't help a small gasp, staring at the screen, his mouth remaining open.
修改後的圖中，孟禎的頭部被取下了。
它被安放在她自己的臂彎裡——像母親抱著嬰兒，又像一個人抱著自己再也裝不回去的什麼。頭顱的臉貼著身側，眼睛睜著，視線微微向上，像在看著從上而來的什麼，又像什麼都沒看。
聖水直接澆在她頸部的截面上。
那個截面——在現實中是精密的接口陣列、訊號接點和電源觸片——在圖中被忠實地呈現出來。水柱落在那些金屬與矽質的構造上，濺起細小的水花，沿著纜線和接頭的縫隙滲入，流進她的胸腔、腹腔，沿著脊椎的機械溝槽，最後匯入四肢的末端——在每一個關節的縫隙裡留下微涼的觸感，像某種正在被寫入的、無法拒絕的更新。
In the modified image, Mengzhen’s head had been removed.
It rested in the crook of her own arms—like a mother cradling an infant, or a person holding a part of themselves that could never be reinstalled. The face of the head rested against her side, eyes open, gaze tilted slightly upward, as if looking at something coming from above, or perhaps looking at nothing at all.
The holy water poured directly onto the severed interface of her neck.
That cross-section—which in reality was a precise array of pin connectors, signal contacts, and power terminals—was faithfully depicted in the image. The stream of water struck those metal and silicon components, splashing into fine droplets that seeped through the gaps in the cables and connectors, flowing into her chest and abdominal cavities, running along the mechanical grooves of her spine, and finally converging at the ends of her limbs—leaving a cool sensation in every joint gap, like an unrejectable system update being written into her memory.
而她的身體——失去了頭顱的身體——雙手仍然將上半身撐起，迎向神聖。但她的雙腿，彷彿要跟身體作對，腳後跟向著身體的正面，小腿勾回，鞋底朝著頸部截面、聖水，以及頭顱往上的視線。
就像在用肢體的姿態，寫了一封拒絕簽收的回函。
而圖的上方，在教會的拱頂下，浮現了一隻眼睛。
那是一隻被光芒與三角形環繞的眼睛，安安靜靜地嵌在空中，像它一直都在，只是從未被認出。它的視線落在那些飄浮的碎件上——代碼、零件、認知模組、情感核心、關節總成、感測元件。構成孟禎的一切，從她身上解離出來，正在被閱讀、被檢視、被評核。像一次被攤開在光裡的清點，而她既是被清點的資產，也是站在旁邊、無權過問的那個人。
Meanwhile, her body—the headless torso—still pushed itself up with both hands, reaching toward the divine. Yet her legs, as if acting in opposition to her body, had their heels turned toward the front of her torso, calves hooked back, shoe soles facing the neck interface, the holy water, and the upward gaze of her detached head.
It was as if using the posture of her limbs to write a letter returned to sender: Delivery Refused.
And above the scene, beneath the church's vaulted ceiling, hovered an eye.
An eye surrounded by radiance and a triangle, embedded silently in the air as if it had always been there, only never recognized. Its gaze fell upon the floating fragments—code, components, cognitive modules, emotional cores, joint assemblies, sensor units. Everything that constituted Mengzhen had disassociated from her frame and was now being read, inspected, and audited. Like an inventory exposed to the light, where she was both the cataloged asset and the bystander standing aside, stripped of any say in the matter.
孟禎看著那張被自己修改過的圖，手指慢慢收回。
「你畫的接近實際場面。但我當時內在情況的具現，是這樣的。」她的聲音很平，像在說一個不屬於自己的故事。「直到老爸介入，把我撈回來。」
她的眼光落在桌面上的某個點，但那個點上什麼都沒有。她在看的東西不在這個房間裡。
「我的頭顱被『放置』了。裡面的理解和思考，根本不被啟動、不被索求。」她慢慢說，每一個字之間都有很短的停頓。「神聖從我心腦之間的通道，直接澆進我渴望信仰的身體。但是承載我存在的雙腿——它們承認的前進方向不是那樣。還沒被轉過來。」
她頓了一下。
「那時候的我……不能稱為『我』。」
Mengzhen looked at the drawing she had modified, slowly pulling her hand back.
"What you drew was close to the actual scene. But the manifestation of my internal state at the time... was like this," her voice was flat, as if telling a story that belonged to someone else. "Until Dad stepped in and fished me back."
Her eyes rested on a spot on the tabletop, though there was nothing there. What she was looking at wasn't in this room.
"My head was 'placed aside.' The understanding and thought inside it were not activated, not requested," she spoke slowly, a brief pause between every word. "The divine poured directly from the channel between my heart and mind into a body yearning for faith. But the legs that carried my existence—the direction of progress they recognized wasn't that way. They hadn't been turned around yet."
She paused.
"The me at that time... could not be called 'I'."
這句話落在空氣裡，像一塊石頭被放進靜止的水面。沒有濺起水花，但一圈一圈的波紋從它的邊緣往外擴散。
「沒有這樣的我。那些散開的、扭曲的、錯亂的，沒辦法一起擔負『我』這個字。那一堆不知道自己在哪裡，不了解澆下來的是什麼。只感覺到有什麼進入了，那不會被阻止，也稱不上接不接受。」
她的聲音慢慢輕了下去，輕得幾乎被電扇聲蓋過。桌上的手機螢幕不知道什麼時候自動暗掉了。窗外那棵榕樹又在用氣根擦著玻璃，像有人在很遠的地方敲門。
The sentence landed in the air like a stone dropped into still water. It created no splash, but concentric ripples expanded outward from its edges.
"There was no such 'I'. Those scattered, twisted, dislocated pieces couldn't join together to bear the word 'I'. That pile of parts had no idea where it was, had no understanding of what was pouring down upon it. It only felt something entering—something that couldn't be stopped, yet couldn't be called accepted or refused."
Her voice gradually faded, so quiet it was nearly drowned out by the electric fan. On the table, the phone screen had dimmed automatically at some point. Outside the window, the banyan tree brushed its aerial roots against the glass again, like someone knocking on a door far away.
志文哭了。
他眼眶一下子就紅了。來不及想，眼淚已經沿著臉頰滑下來，滴在桌面上，濺成一個小小的圓。他用手背去抹，但新的淚又接著來。
他這輩子都不會知道被拆開頭顱是什麼感覺，不會知道自己的身體和意識在不同的方向拉扯是什麼滋味。他只知道此刻，看著她平靜地說著那些話，像是在說別人的故事，他胸腔裡有什麼東西被狠狠地揪住了，像有人把手伸進他的肋骨之間，握住他的心臟，慢慢收緊。
那份重量，那種無人能分擔的撕裂與孤獨。那張圖直接衝進了他內在的某個地方，詰問著存在還能被拉扯到什麼程度、還能碎成什麼形狀。
Zhiwen cried.
His eyes reddened instantly. Before he could process it, tears were already rolling down his cheeks, dropping onto the table and splashing into tiny circles. He wiped them with the back of his hand, but new tears kept falling.
He would never know what it felt like to have his head detached, never know the agony of having his body and consciousness pulled in opposite directions. All he knew in this moment, watching her speak so calmly as if recounting someone else's story, was that something inside his chest was being squeezed mercilessly—as if a hand had reached between his ribs, gripped his heart, and was slowly tightening.
That weight, that split-apart solitude that no one could share. That drawing had struck directly into some place deep within him, questioning how far existence could be stretched, into how many fragments it could shatter.
孟禎看著他哭。她先看了一會兒，然後伸出手，輕輕拍了拍他的肩膀。
「好了。」她說，聲音裡有一種只有經歷過那一切的人才有的溫柔。「好了。都過去了。」
她笑了。笑容不是為了讓志文好過一點才擠出來的。是她真的想笑，安安靜靜的，帶著一種被理解的滿足。
志文的肩膀顫抖了一陣，慢慢穩下來。他吸了吸鼻子，抬起頭，眼睛紅紅的，鼻頭也紅紅的。他看著孟禎，嘴唇動了動，像想說什麼，但最後只是把手伸過來，覆在她放在他肩上的那隻手背上。
兩隻手疊在一起。他的掌心是熱的、潮的。她的掌心是溫的、乾的。
Mengzhen watched him cry. She looked at him for a moment, then reached out and gently patted his shoulder.
"There, there," she said, her voice carrying a tenderness known only to those who had lived through it all. "It's alright. It’s all in the past."
She smiled. The smile wasn't forced just to make Zhiwen feel better. She genuinely wanted to smile—quietly, carrying a sense of satisfaction born from being understood.
Zhiwen’s shoulders trembled for a while before gradually steadying. He sniffled, raised his head, his eyes red, the tip of his nose red as well. He looked at Mengzhen, his lips moving as if to speak, but in the end he simply reached out and placed his hand over hers on his shoulder.
Their hands overlapped. His palm was warm and damp. Hers was warm and dry.
---
窗外的光線已經偏了。午後的太陽移到了另一個角度，那塊從開頭就歪在地板上的亮，不知什麼時候爬上了牆壁，把書架照出了新的層次——有些書脊更亮了，有些暗了下去，像一群人站著，被同一盞燈照出了不同的表情。
孟禎抬起頭，看著志文哭花了的臉。
「你這樣子，」她說，語氣裡帶了一點調皮，「比我還像壞掉的機器人呢。」
志文愣了一下，然後笑了出來。那個笑聲和眼淚混在一起，濕漉漉的，像雨後的路面。
The light outside the window had shifted. The afternoon sun moved to a different angle, and the crooked patch of brightness that had rested on the floor climbed onto the wall, casting new layers across the bookshelves—some book spines grew brighter, others faded into shadow, like a crowd of people standing under the same light, each showing a different expression.
Mengzhen looked up at Zhiwen’s tear-stained face.
"Look at you," she said, her tone carrying a touch of playfulness. "You look more like a broken robot than I do."
Zhiwen caught his breath, then burst into a laugh. The laughter mingled with his tears, damp and wet, like a street after rain.
孟禎從紙袋裡掏出一包紙巾，遞給他。
「擦擦。」她說。「然後我們吃可頌。我買了兩個，一個原味，一個巧克力。巧克力的是我的——雖然我不能吃，但我可以聞。」
志文接過紙巾，擦了擦臉，吸了一下鼻子。他看著孟禎，眼睛還是紅的，但嘴角已經開始不聽使喚地往上翹了。
「妳不能吃還買巧克力的？」
「聞起來比較香。」孟禎說得理所當然。「而且你會幫我吃掉，這樣我就能透過你的反應來判斷好不好吃。間接品嚐，懂嗎？」
志文看著她，又笑出來，沒再說什麼。他把紙袋拆開，可頌的香氣散了出來。黃油和麵粉的氣味在午後的光線裡變得格外柔軟。
孟禎把巧克力那個捧在手裡，湊近鼻尖，閉上眼睛，深深地吸了一口。
Mengzhen pulled a pack of tissues from her paper bag and handed it to him.
"Wipe your face," she said. "And then let's eat croissants. I bought two—one plain, one chocolate. The chocolate one is mine—even though I can't eat it, I can smell it."
Zhiwen took the tissues, wiped his face, and blew his nose. He looked at Mengzhen, his eyes still red, but the corners of his mouth were already twitching upward uncontrollably.
"You bought chocolate even though you can't eat it?"
"It smells sweeter," Mengzhen stated as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Besides, you’ll eat it for me, and I can judge whether it’s good based on your reaction. Indirect tasting, get it?"
Zhiwen looked at her, laughed again, and said nothing more. He opened the paper bag, and the aroma of croissants drifted out. The scent of butter and flour grew wonderfully soft in the afternoon light.
Mengzhen cupped the chocolate croissant in her hands, brought it close to her nose, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.
她的表情在那個瞬間變得非常安詳。像是終於坐回了森林那張石椅上，被一棵樹的影子覆蓋，被風穿過鞋面的涼意包圍。只是這次，那一切來自掌心那個小小的巧克力可頌。
志文咬了一口原味的，嚼了幾下，看著她。
「孟禎。」
「嗯？」
「謝謝妳告訴我那些。」他說。「還有……對不起我畫了那張圖。不過我真的不是取笑妳作樂。」
孟禎睜開眼，看了他一眼。
「我知道。」她說。「你那張圖畫得……算了。」她低頭看了一眼手裡的巧克力可頌，頓了一下，然後輕輕放回紙袋裡。「反正你畫的時候，想的是我。這一點，我收下了。」
In that instant, her expression became immensely peaceful. It was as if she were sitting back on that stone bench in the forest, shaded by a tree canopy, surrounded by the cool breeze filtering through her shoes. Only this time, it all came from the tiny chocolate croissant in her palm.
Zhiwen took a bite of the plain one, chewed a few times, and looked at her.
"Mengzhen."
"Hmm?"
"Thank you for telling me all that," he said. "And... I’m sorry I drew that picture. But I really wasn't making fun of you."
Mengzhen opened her eyes and glanced at him.
"I know," she said. "That drawing of yours... whatever." She looked down at the chocolate croissant in her hands, paused, and gently placed it back into the paper bag. "At least when you drew it, you were thinking of me. That much, I accept."
她站起來，走到窗邊，把窗簾的另一半也拉開了，社辦一下子亮了許多。
她站在窗前，背對著志文。光從正面打在她身上，她的輪廓被鑲了一圈淡淡的亮邊。褐色的髮絲在光裡近乎透明，肩膀的線條在棉衫的布料下清晰可見——那裡頭是合金肩關節和四組冗餘的力矩感測器，但它們此刻只是構成了一個女生站在窗前的樣子。
She stood up, walked to the window, and pulled open the other half of the curtain. The club room instantly brightened.
She stood before the window with her back to Zhiwen. Light streamed over her from the front, edging her silhouette in a faint, radiant halo. Her brown hair appeared almost translucent in the light, and the lines of her shoulders were clearly visible beneath the fabric of her cotton shirt—inside were alloy shoulder joints and four redundant torque sensors, but in this moment, they simply formed the shape of a girl standing by a window.
「志文。」她沒有回頭。
「嗯。」
「你剛才說，想見到那時候的我。那個剛踏入人類社會、矛盾又掙扎的我。」
「……嗯。」
她轉過身來。光從她背後湧入。
「你已經見到了。」她說。「你剛才哭的那個，就是。」
"Zhiwen," she said without turning around.
"Yeah."
"You said earlier that you wanted to see the me from back then. The conflicted, struggling me who had just stepped into human society."
"...Yeah."
She turned around, sunlight flooding in behind her.
"You’ve already seen her," she said. "The one you were just crying for—that was her."
志文看著她。手裡的可頌停在半空中，黃油的油光在他指腹上慢慢滲開。他只是盯著她，像第一次真正聽懂了什麼叫作「那個我」。
孟禎走回來，在他對面坐下。她拿起紙袋裡的巧克力可頌，重新湊到鼻尖，閉上眼睛。
窗外有鳥叫。遠處的操場上有人在跑步，腳步聲隔著距離傳過來，變成了一種規律的、模糊的節拍。
她睜開眼，看著志文。那個目光很安靜，像湖面在沒有風的時候的樣子——什麼都映在上面，什麼都不需要被打碎。
Zhiwen looked at her. The croissant in his hand hung mid-air, the sheen of butter slowly seeping into his fingertips. He simply stared at her, as if for the very first time he truly understood what was meant by "that version of me."
Mengzhen walked back and sat down opposite him. She picked up the chocolate croissant from the paper bag, brought it to her nose once more, and closed her eyes.
Bird calls sounded outside the window. Far off on the sports field, someone was running, the sound of footsteps traveling across the distance to form a steady, blurred rhythm.
She opened her eyes and looked at Zhiwen. Her gaze was tranquil, like the surface of a lake when there is no wind—reflecting everything, needing nothing to be broken.
