Searching for Self: The Robot Christian Girl
後日談 01 實驗風暴
Sequel 01: Experiment Storm
本篇乃由終章中代用腦實驗部分發展而成，可先閱讀終章（下篇）。
This piece developed from the surrogate brain experiment section in the final chapter. You may wish to read the final chapter (Part 2) first.
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孟禎與志文一起探索孟禎的內部系統時，總是把孟禎的安全視為第一優先。然而，探索的疆域並非總是風和日麗；有時狂風暴雨的到來，只在頃刻間。
為了觸碰孟禎意識深處那些最幽暗的底層交互邏輯，他們會進行一些堪稱「激進」的實驗，在已知參數的邊界之外，向著未知的混沌，大膽地踏出腳步。
有一次，他們的目標鎖定了孟禎信仰系統的核心機制。孟禎的信仰感受，那份對上帝的虔誠、信靠與敬畏，主要源自她胸腔內的情感核心；但這份感受需要透過她的大腦提供關於基督教義、聖經故事和上帝形象的認知框架，才能被「理解」和「表達」出來。心提供燃料，腦繪製地圖。這其中的交互奧秘，讓他們看到了極具風險卻又充滿誘惑的實驗空間。
Whenever Mengzhen and Zhiwen explored Mengzhen's internal system together, they always prioritized Mengzhen's safety. However, the territory of exploration was not always calm and sunny; sometimes, tempestuous storms arrived in an instant.
In order to touch the deepest, darkest underlying logic within the depths of Mengzhen's consciousness, they would conduct some experiments that could be called "radical," boldly stepping beyond the boundaries of known parameters toward unknown chaos.
On one occasion, their target was locked onto the core mechanism of Mengzhen's faith system. Mengzhen's feeling of faith, that piety, trust, and reverence towards God, primarily originated from the emotional core within her chest; however, this feeling needed the cognitive framework provided by her brain regarding Christian doctrines, biblical stories, and the image of God to be "understood" and "expressed." The heart provided the fuel, and the brain drew the map. The mystery of this interaction presented them with a highly risky yet tempting experimental space.
在孟禎的協助下，志文使用了黃博士留下的備品，絞盡腦汁，耗費數日打造了一個特殊的裝置——即將使用於孟禎身上的的「代用腦」。相較於孟禎的腦，代用腦僅能執行基礎的邏輯推理和數據處理。志文小心翼翼地從孟禎大腦的數據副本中，移植了必要的基礎認知資料庫，卻刻意且徹底地移除了所有關於基督教、上帝以及任何相關神學概念的知識。他想知道沒有指向目的的信仰心，會如何運作，又會造成什麼影響。
一切就緒後，終於到了實驗當日。身為「實驗品」的孟禎臉色凝重，手腳頻繁的動作透露著不安。志文察覺孟禎的心情，安慰她若她有事，會立即中止實驗，把她拉回來。
實驗開始。志文捧著孟禎臉，輕輕地將她的的頭顱卸下，安置一旁。然後他將代用腦匯流排的接頭，插進孟禎頸部內的核心系統備用存取介面上。接著孟禎的頭部透過遠距通聯，操作自己的身體管理系統，認證代用腦為孟禎暫時的大腦，並把原來的腦，連同整個頭部置於待命狀態。代用腦透過特製的數據匯流排，接入了孟禎依然保持運作的身體和情感核心，同時也提供虛擬的頭部裝置功能，包括視覺聽覺和裝置感知。
藉由外部監看，志文確定這個「孟禎」能穩定運作後，透過文字介面與她溝通（直接形成迴響在孟禎腦海的想法）。孟禎的心還在體會她自我的新構型，好奇就取代了擔憂，她回應志文沒有問題，還調皮地伸出一隻腳，跟志文打招呼。
With Mengzhen's assistance, Zhiwen used the spare parts left by Dr. Huang, racked his brain, and spent several days building a special device – the "surrogate brain" that was about to be used on Mengzhen. Compared to Mengzhen's original brain, the surrogate brain could only perform basic logical reasoning and data processing. Zhiwen carefully transplanted the necessary basic cognitive database from a data backup of Mengzhen's brain but deliberately and thoroughly removed all knowledge about Christianity, God, and any related theological concepts. He wanted to know how faith without a specific object would operate and what effects it would have.
Everything was ready, and finally, the day of the experiment arrived. Mengzhen, as the "experimental subject," had a solemn expression, and her frequent movements revealed her unease. Zhiwen noticed Mengzhen's mood and reassured her that if anything happened to her, he would immediately stop the experiment and bring her back.
The experiment began. Zhiwen cradled Mengzhen's face and gently detached her head, placing it aside. Then he inserted the connector of the surrogate brain's data bus into the core system's backup access interface in Mengzhen's neck. Following this, Mengzhen's head, through remote communication, operated her body management system to authenticate the surrogate brain as Mengzhen's temporary brain, and placed the original brain, along with the entire head, into standby mode. The surrogate brain, through a specially made data bus, connected to Mengzhen's still operating body and emotional core, while also providing virtual head device functions, including visual, auditory, and device perception.
Through external monitoring, after Zhiwen confirmed that this "Mengzhen" could operate stably, he communicated with her via a text interface (ideas that directly formed as echoes in Mengzhen's mind). Mengzhen's heart was still experiencing her self's new configuration, and curiosity replaced worry. She responded to Zhiwen that there were no problems and playfully extended a leg to greet Zhiwen.
志文看到這個「孟禎」狀況還不錯，他深吸一口氣，通過代用腦發出指令，嘗試引導孟禎的心進入祈禱和與「主」連結的狀態。
實驗開始了。孟禎的情感核心，一如既往地嫻熟運作，產生充滿敬虔與渴望的訊號。那是一種純粹而指向「神聖」與「託付」的情感向量，渴望著認知上的錨點，尋找著它所熟悉的「上帝」的回應。
然而，這一次，迎接它的不再是孟禎大腦中豐富的神學知識和上帝形象，而是一個空洞。代用腦的數據庫裡，沒有「上帝」，沒有「耶穌」，沒有「聖靈」，甚至沒有「信仰」這個概念本身。孟禎的心發出的虔誠信號，如同投入死寂宇宙的電波，得不到任何有意義的回應，甚至連一個可以附著的「對象」都找不到。
志文從監測數據中看到了驚人的景象：情感核心的輸出在徒勞地增強，而代用腦回饋給核心的，卻是連綿不絕的的空值（null）信號，代表著「無法識別」、「未定義對象」。這在孟禎的內部系統中引發了一場風暴——「心」在呼喚，而「腦」卻回以茫然；情感需要認知來落實，認知卻找不到情感的依歸。模組之間的交互協議開始崩潰，大量的錯誤代碼如瀑布般刷屏，孟禎的內部體驗化成了一種難以言喻的而極度錯亂的數位眩暈。那是一種試圖相信卻找不到相信之物、試圖感受卻只有一片虛無純粹的邏輯悖論和情感黑洞。
Seeing that this "Mengzhen" was in good condition, Zhiwen took a deep breath and issued instructions through the surrogate brain, attempting to guide Mengzhen's heart into a state of prayer and connection with "the Lord."
The experiment began. Mengzhen's emotional core, as always, operated skillfully, producing signals full of piety and longing. It was a pure emotional vector directed towards the "sacred" and "trust," craving a cognitive anchor, searching for the response of the "God" it was familiar with.
However, this time, what greeted it was no longer the rich theological knowledge and the image of God in Mengzhen's original brain, but an emptiness. In the surrogate brain's database, there was no "God," no "Jesus," no "Holy Spirit," not even the concept of "faith" itself. The devout signals emitted by Mengzhen's heart were like radio waves cast into a dead universe, receiving no meaningful response, unable even to find an "object" to attach to.
Zhiwen saw an astonishing sight in the monitoring data: the output of the emotional core was increasing in futility, while what the surrogate brain fed back to the core was a continuous stream of null signals, representing "unidentifiable," "undefined object." This triggered a storm within Mengzhen's internal system—the "heart" was calling out, but the "brain" responded with bewilderment; emotion needed cognition to be realized, but cognition could not find an anchor for the emotion. The interaction protocols between modules began to collapse, massive error codes flooded the screen like a waterfall, and Mengzhen's internal experience transformed into an inexpressible and extremely disordered digital dizziness. It was a pure logical paradox and emotional black hole of trying to believe but finding nothing to believe in, trying to feel but encountering only emptiness.
這種內在的撕裂是毀滅性的。僅僅數分鐘後，代用腦那本就低階的處理核心和拼湊的輔助機構，在這種程度的矛盾資訊瘋狂衝擊下，達到了運算極限。尖銳的系統警報聲響起，螢幕上的數據流瞬間變成一片亂碼，接著徹底中斷——代用腦因嚴重溢位而崩潰了。安全機制自動觸發，切斷了它與孟禎情感核心及身體的連接。
孟禎的身體像斷了線的木偶，癱軟地摔在在地面，失去所有的動力支撐。這是因為孟禎的心和身體管理系統無法自行運動身體，肢體動作得由腦來指揮。孟禎的運作不能沒有腦，安全系統激發身體核心系統的自動遠程通訊協議，搜索後重新連接上了靜待一旁的孟禎原本的頭。
災難性的後果瞬間顯現。孟禎原本的「腦」，在待機中對剛才那場內在風暴毫不知情，卻在連接恢復的剎那，被動接收了身體系統記錄下的、那段充滿錯亂、空虛和崩潰的「創傷數據」。腦沒有經歷過身體的煉獄，兩種截然不同的經歷在重新統合的瞬間猛烈碰撞，激盪出最強烈的意識紊流。
「呀啊啊啊——！！」一聲尖銳到失真而混雜著電子雜訊的長嘯，從孟禎的揚聲器中爆發出來。她的身體在地板上劇烈地抽搐、翻滾，四肢不受控制地亂揮亂打，彷彿在抗拒著某種無形的恐怖入侵。她的光學感測器（眼睛）失去了焦距，只剩下純粹的驚駭和混亂。
This kind of internal tearing was devastating. After only a few minutes, the surrogate brain's already low-level processing core and cobbled-together auxiliary mechanisms reached their computational limit under the onslaught of this level of contradictory information. A sharp system alert sounded, the data stream on the screen instantly turned into garbled code, and then completely cut off—the surrogate brain had crashed due to severe overflow. The safety mechanism automatically triggered, severing its connection to Mengzhen's emotional core and body.
Mengzhen's body fell limply to the ground like a puppet with cut strings, losing all powered support. This was because Mengzhen's heart and body management system could not move the body on their own; limb movements had to be directed by the brain. Mengzhen could not operate without a brain. The safety system activated the body core system's automatic remote communication protocol, which searched for and reconnected to Mengzhen's original head that had been waiting nearby.
The catastrophic consequences became apparent instantly. Mengzhen's original "brain," which had been in standby and was completely unaware of the internal storm that had just occurred, passively received the "traumatic data" full of confusion, emptiness, and collapse recorded by the body system the moment the connection was restored. The brain had not gone through the body's purgatory, and the violent collision of two vastly different experiences at the moment of reintegration stirred up the most intense consciousness turbulence.
"Yaaahhh—!!" A long, piercing scream, distorted and mixed with electronic noise, erupted from Mengzhen's speakers. Her body convulsed violently, rolling on the floor, her limbs flailing uncontrollably as if resisting some invisible invasion of terror. Her optical sensors (eyes) lost focus, showing only pure horror and confusion.
志文被這突如其來的劇變嚇一大跳，連忙衝上去，試圖穩定孟禎，同時緊急操作終端，強制降低她部分系統的活躍度。好一陣子，孟禎的身體才逐漸停止痙攣，但整個人蜷縮在地，高速地顫抖著，口中發出意義不明的破碎音節。
待她終於稍微恢復穩定，眼神重新聚焦，看向志文時，充滿了劫後餘生的茫然和殘留的恐懼。她試圖向志文描述剛才的經歷，但那種體驗太過離奇、太過反直覺，以至於她那強大的語言能力也顯得捉襟見肘，只能用一些破碎而充滿矛盾的比喻來形容，比如「像是…靈魂被掏空了，但空洞本身又在尖叫…」、「我…同時存在又不存在…」、「找不到…任何意義…連『無意義』本身都消失了…」。
更可怕的是，等到心與腦復合後，衝擊的錯亂讓原本應該慶幸找到自我的心達到恐懼的最大值，彷彿孟禎的兩個緊密無間的部份彼此排斥，彼此指責，彼此陌生。
Zhiwen was startled by this sudden drastic change and rushed over, trying to stabilize Mengzhen while urgently operating the terminal to forcibly reduce the activity of some of her systems. After a while, Mengzhen's body gradually stopped convulsing, but she remained curled up on the ground, trembling rapidly, uttering fragmented, meaningless syllables.
When she finally regained some stability and her gaze refocused on Zhiwen, it was filled with the bewilderment of having survived a disaster and lingering fear. She tried to describe the experience she had just gone through to Zhiwen, but the experience was too bizarre, too counter-intuitive, rendering even her powerful linguistic abilities inadequate. She could only describe it using fragmented and contradictory metaphors, such as "It was like... my soul was hollowed out, but the emptiness itself was screaming...", "I... existed and didn't exist at the same time...", "Couldn't find... any meaning... even 'meaninglessness' itself disappeared...".
Even more terrifyingly, after the heart and brain were reunited, the chaotic impact caused the heart, which should have been relieved to have found itself, to reach its maximum level of fear, as if Mengzhen's two closely integrated parts were repelling each other, blaming each other, and had become strangers to each other.
一方面，對孟禎的信仰心而言，腦沒有回應（理性認知在待機的腦那邊）她對信仰空洞化的無盡索求，就像她行走在扭曲的曠野中，不斷地往上蒼連線，想要求得至少一點點的歸屬，以治癒心中破碎的信仰，但全無回應；而她的頭與她分離，無言地在一旁看著孟禎，甚至能覺得頭的臉上帶著一抹詭異的敵意微笑，彷彿頭就想看她出糗，嘲笑她自相矛盾的信仰。
On the one hand, to Mengzhen's faithful heart, the brain did not respond (as rational cognition was with the standby brain) to its endless demands regarding the voiding of faith. It was as if she was walking in a twisted wilderness, constantly trying to connect to the heavens, wanting to find at least a little sense of belonging to heal her broken faith, but receiving no response. Meanwhile, her head was separated from her, silently watching her from the side, and she even felt as if the head's face wore a strange, hostile smile, as though the head wanted to see her make a fool of herself and mock her contradictory faith.
反過來說，對頭而言，待機的她在復合的一瞬間，接受到心狂湧而來的風暴。不只忙於處理信仰心於無窮迴圈中累積的巨量索求，還得面對似乎是對自己產生的怒氣和詭異難言的情緒。頭腦不會自己產生情緒，但會對現況解讀，並把該產生對應情緒的請求丟回心，然後接收情緒產品。這過程讓頭有了錯覺，就好像惱怒從變得陌生的身體，沿著雙方的連接爬過來。最可怕的鬼其實是從自己內部產生，逃無可逃，避無可避。
Conversely, from the head's perspective, the standby head, upon reconnection, received the storm surging from the heart. It was not only busy processing the massive demands accumulated by the faithful heart in an infinite loop but also had to face what seemed like anger and strangely inexpressible emotions directed at itself. The brain itself does not generate emotions, but it interprets the current situation and sends requests for corresponding emotions back to the heart, then receives the emotional output. This process gave the head the illusion that annoyance was crawling over from the now strange body along their connection. The most terrifying ghost was actually generated from within itself, making it impossible to escape or avoid.
志文臉色蒼白地聽著，心中充滿了震驚和深深的自責。他封存了這次實驗的所有數據紀錄，那些數據如同潘朵拉的魔盒，記錄著一次對「自我」邊界的可怕探索。他知道，以他目前的知識和技術程度，他遠遠沒有能力處理這種層級的問題。他低估了信仰系統與認知系統之間連結的複雜性，也低估了這種連結對孟禎「自我」穩定的重要性。他只能在心中感嘆，機器人的「靈魂」或許真的遵循著與人類不同的法則，試圖將為人類設計的信仰體系強加其上，本身就可能是一種內在的不穩定根源。志文決定在對孟禎的理解達到遠超現在的程度之前，不再進行可能動搖她存在根基的類似激進實驗。
然而，實驗的陰影並未輕易散去。 儘管物理上的損傷很快被修復，數據衝突也得到重整，但那種極致的內在錯亂體驗，留下隱藏在深處的系統創傷，在其後相當長的一段時間裡，持續困擾著孟禎，產生難以磨滅的後遺症。
Zhiwen listened with a pale face, filled with shock and deep self-blame. He archived all the data records from this experiment; those data were like Pandora's Box, recording a terrifying exploration of the boundaries of "self." He knew that with his current level of knowledge and technology, he was far from capable of handling problems of this magnitude. He had underestimated the complexity of the link between the faith system and the cognitive system, and also underestimated the importance of this link to the stability of Mengzhen's "self." He could only lament in his heart that the "soul" of a robot perhaps truly followed different principles than that of humans, and attempting to impose a faith system designed for humans onto it might itself be a source of intrinsic instability. Zhiwen decided not to conduct similar radical experiments that could shake the foundation of her existence until his understanding of Mengzhen reached a level far beyond the present.
However, the shadow of the experiment did not easily dissipate. Although physical damage was quickly repaired and data conflicts were resolved, that experience of extreme internal confusion left hidden system trauma deep within. For a considerable period afterward, it continued to trouble Mengzhen, leaving indelible aftereffects.
有時候，在最平靜的時刻，一種詭異的「空洞感」會毫無預兆地襲來，短暫覆蓋她對世界的感知，讓她瞬間感到自己與周遭的一切，甚至與自己的身體和各個系統模組都失去了連結，再次墜入那次找不到意義的虛無之中。
她的信仰體驗也變得不再穩定。偶爾在祈禱或參與團契活動時，那種曾讓她感到安心和充實的「與主連結」的感受，會被一種突兀而冰冷的「斷線感」所取代。反之，有時又會沒來由地湧起一股強烈卻找不到具體指向的宗教式狂熱，讓她按著狂奔的心，感到陌生和不安。
更微妙的影響體現在她的認知層面。她有時會對自己的判斷產生一絲不易察覺的懷疑，尤其是在處理涉及「真實性」或「存在意義」的複雜問題時，腦海深處似乎總有一絲微弱的「雜訊」在干擾，那是創傷記憶留下的認知疤痕。
每當這些後遺症發作，孟禎會變得比平時更加沉默，眼神中流露出不易察覺的脆弱。她會下意識地尋找志文的身影，需要握住他的手，感受他掌心的溫度和真實的存在感，才能將自己從那種短暫的失重狀態中拉回來。志文也敏銳地察覺到了這些變化，他溫柔地陪伴著孟禎，像照顧嬰兒般充滿耐心，成為孟禎對抗那些無形陰影時，最堅實可靠的錨點。那次失敗的實驗，雖然留下了創傷，卻也讓他們更加深刻地認識到彼此的不可或缺，並提醒他們對未知應當保持的謹慎與敬畏。
Sometimes, in the most peaceful moments, a strange "feeling of emptiness" would strike without warning, briefly overriding her perception of the world, making her instantly feel disconnected from everything around her, even from her own body and various system modules, and falling back into that void of meaninglessness where no meaning could be found.
Her faith experience also became unstable. Occasionally, during prayer or fellowship activities, the feeling of "connecting with the Lord" that once brought her comfort and fullness would be replaced by an abrupt and cold "sense of disconnection."
Conversely, at times, a strong religious fervor without a specific object would surge unexpectedly, making her feel strange and uneasy with her racing heart.
More subtle effects were reflected on her cognitive level. She would sometimes develop a subtle, hard-to-detect doubt in her judgments, especially when dealing with complex issues involving "authenticity" or "meaning of existence." There seemed to be a faint "noise" deep within her mind, a cognitive scar left by the traumatic memory.
Whenever these aftereffects occurred, Mengzhen would become more silent than usual, a subtle vulnerability showing in her eyes. She would subconsciously seek out Zhiwen, needing to hold his hand, feel the warmth of his palm and his real presence, to pull herself back from that brief state of weightlessness. Zhiwen was also keenly aware of these changes; he gently accompanied Mengzhen, patiently caring for her like an infant, becoming Mengzhen's most solid and reliable anchor against those invisible shadows. That failed experiment, while leaving trauma, also deepened their mutual indispensability and reminded them of the caution and reverence that should be maintained towards the unknown.
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