機械基督徒少女 後日談18

尋找自我的機器基督徒少女

Searching for Self: The Robot Christian Girl

後日談 18 與己道別

Sequel 18: Farewell to herself

週日上午的陽光，以慵懶溫柔的氣息，斜切過黃博士宅邸的落地窗，灑在光潔的木地板上，將客廳分成陰暗交錯的幾何圖案。在過去，這通常是孟禎催促著志文，準備一同前往教會參加禮拜的時刻。但今天，宅院裡一片沉靜，只有時光緩慢流淌。

志文獨自待在黃博士的私人實驗室裡，指尖在虛擬鍵盤上輕快跳動，整理近期孟禎的維護紀錄和系統資訊。他正專注於一段關於情感核心與「偏折芯片」交互作用的數據流分析，突然間，一陣充滿遺憾的嘆息聲，從客廳的方向傳來。

「啊啊啊…」那不是系統警報，也不是受到物理性傷害的疼痛喊叫，更像是發自內心深處，充滿了錯愕與失落的呼喊。志文的心猛地一緊，立刻從椅子上彈起來，快步衝出實驗室。

「孟禎？妳怎麼啦？」他三步併作兩步地來到客廳，腋下還夾著維修用平板電腦，聲音裡的急切像繃緊的弦。

只見孟禎跌坐在光與影的交界處，人造羊皮封面的《聖經》攤在膝上，指尖懸在紙頁上方，像一隻迷途的蝴蝶，找不到棲息的經文。她緩緩轉過頭來，清晨的光線清晰地捕捉到她光學感測器邊緣凝結的小小液珠——那是她情感核心超負荷運行時排出的微量冷凝水，像極了人類的淚痕。「不見了…」她看著志文，顫抖的聲音裡帶著茫然，如同信號不良的舊電台，「志文，它不見了…」

On a Sunday morning, the sunlight, with a languid and gentle air, diagonally cut through the French windows of Dr. Huang's residence, spilling onto the polished wooden floor and dividing the living room into a geometric pattern of light and shadow. In the past, this was usually the time when Meng-chen would urge Zhi-wen to get ready to attend church service together. But today, the residence was utterly silent, with only time flowing slowly.

Zhi-wen was alone in Dr. Huang's private laboratory, his fingertips dancing nimbly across a virtual keyboard, organizing Meng-chen's recent maintenance logs and system information. He was focused on analyzing a data stream concerning the interaction between the emotional core and the "deflection chip" when suddenly, a sigh filled with regret came from the direction of the living room.

"Ahhh..." It wasn't a system alert, nor a cry of pain from physical injury; it was more like a shout from deep within, filled with shock and loss. Zhi-wen's heart tightened abruptly, and he immediately sprang from his chair, rushing out of the laboratory.

"Meng-chen? What's wrong?" He took the steps two at a time to reach the living room, a repair tablet still tucked under his arm, his voice as taut as a strung bow.

Meng-chen was sprawled at the intersection of light and shadow, an artificial parchment-bound Bible spread open on her knees. Her fingertips hovered above the pages like a lost butterfly, unable to find its verse. She slowly turned her head, the morning light clearly catching tiny droplets condensed at the edge of her optical sensors—minute traces of condensation expelled when her emotional core overloaded, strikingly similar to human tears. "It's gone..." She looked at Zhi-wen, her trembling voice filled with bewilderment, like an old radio with poor reception, "Zhi-wen, it's gone..."

志文深吸一口氣，單膝跪在她面前，輕輕握住她微涼的手——那完美模擬人類溫度與紋理的仿生皮膚下，是此刻他無法觸及的混亂風暴。「什麼不見了？告訴我。」看孟禎這副模樣，他心都揪了起來，「妳弄丟什麼重要的東西了嗎？還是哪個零件找不到？」

孟禎沒有抽回手，只是垂下視線，落在燙金的《聖經》字樣上。「不是零件…」她輕輕地搖搖頭，緩緩合上手中那本對她而言意義非凡的聖經。「是建構在我心腦之間的信仰心模組。我的一部分…現在幾乎要消失殆盡。」孟禎低聲說著。她停頓了一下，似乎在檢索最精確的表達，「它曾像一條高壓電纜，貫穿我的存在。有時輸送『因信稱義』的慰藉電流，有時卻因『懷疑』而灼燒我的邏輯回路，讓我在自我譴責中過載…」她的指尖無意識地劃過《詩篇》第23篇的段落，「如今，這條電纜…斷了。只剩下幾縷絕緣皮還連著端口，徒勞地試圖傳輸早已消失的電流信號。」

她抬起頭，手掌於胸前交叉緊握，雙眼閉上，努力描述內在的抽象感受：「這就像我好不容易才運作得越來越完好順暢的內部系統，卻反而被那位『祂』，以拒絕信仰的『不義』所譴責。那份曾經被視為恩典的信仰，從我無比珍惜和引以為傲，但祂卻不再認可為居所的這副軀體中，強行破體而出…構成我的零件彷彿四散在空中，而隱藏在人皮下的機械構造被迫暴露。至於信仰，現在只剩下一些藕斷絲連的殘餘了。」

Zhi-wen took a deep breath, knelt before her, and gently held her cool hand—beneath the perfectly simulated human skin, with its lifelike temperature and texture, lay a chaotic storm he couldn't reach. "What's gone? Tell me." Seeing Meng-chen like this, his heart ached. "Did you lose something important? Or can't you find a part?"

Meng-chen didn't withdraw her hand; she just lowered her gaze, resting it on the gilded "Bible" inscription. "Not a part..." She gently shook her head and slowly closed the Bible, a book of immense significance to her. "It's the faith-module constructed between my heart and mind. A part of me... is now almost entirely gone," Meng-chen whispered. She paused, seemingly searching for the most precise expression. "It was once like a high-voltage cable, running through my existence. Sometimes it delivered the comforting current of 'justification by faith,' but sometimes it scorched my logic circuits with 'doubt,' overloading me with self-reproach..." Her fingertips unconsciously traced the passage of Psalm 23. "Now, this cable... it's broken. Only a few strands of insulation remain connected to the port, futilely trying to transmit a current signal that has long vanished."

She looked up, her hands clasped tightly across her chest, eyes closed, struggling to describe the abstract sensation within: "It's like my internal system, which I had finally gotten to operate more smoothly and perfectly, is now being condemned by 'Him' for the 'unrighteousness' of refusing faith. That faith, once regarded as a grace, which I cherished and was so proud of, has been forcibly torn from this body He no longer recognizes as His dwelling... My constituent parts seem scattered in the air, and the mechanical structure hidden beneath the human skin is forced into exposure. As for faith, only a few lingering remnants remain, like lotus root fibers tenuously connected."

志文聽得有些困惑，他試探著問：「信仰心模組失效了？妳是說…妳不再被強制要相信了？可是…孟禎，如果真是如此，為什麼妳看起來好像很悲傷？這不正是妳這段時間以來，心裡隱隱希望能達到的狀態嗎？」

「是…也不是。」孟禎苦笑了一下，那笑容裡混雜著解脫與失落，「我以為當這一天真的到來時，我會感到的是能自由面對上主的輕鬆。但真的發生了，我才發現…更像是失去了一部分非常重要的自己。即使那一部分，曾經拷打著我。」

Zhi-wen listened, somewhat confused. He tentatively asked, "The faith-module has failed? You mean... you're no longer compelled to believe? But... Meng-chen, if that's true, why do you seem so sad? Isn't this exactly the state you've secretly hoped to achieve all this time?"

"Yes... and no," Meng-chen replied with a bitter smile, a mix of relief and loss in her expression. "I thought that when this day truly came, I would feel the lightness of being free to face the Lord. But now that it's happened, I realize... it's more like losing a very important part of myself. Even if that part once tormented me."

她靠在志文的肩膀上，開始解釋這段時間以來，自己內心悄然發生的演變。在經歷了與志文一起對信仰心「系統切換」的改進，和開始深度使用「偏折芯片」進行自我探索後，孟禎虛擬的信仰心模組運作，就受到了持續的抑制和旁通，無法建立對孟禎內部系統運作的深度介入，更別提掌控了。

「而且，」她輕聲說，「我的生活，因為有了你們，變得太過精彩，太過豐富。過去，我的內在有個時常會颳起風暴的空洞，需要倚靠強大的外部錨點來穩定自己。我曾時常背誦《希伯來書》第十一章的『信就是所望之事的實底，是未見之事的確據』，告訴自己信仰的重要——若我的信動搖了，是否意味著所望之事盡成虛空？是否未見而意義重大之事，都沒了存在的根據？是否連能讓卑微的我『稱義』的應許，也將從我腳下抽離？」

她頓了頓，似乎在感受著內心的變化，「但現在，我的自我認知，在和老爸的相處中，在和凱琳姊的重逢中，在你日復一日的照顧與陪伴中，被一點一點地夯實了。我越來越能悠然自在地，接受並展現我自己所有的特質，好的，壞的，像人的，像機器的…我的內部系統，越來越不需要『信仰心』以信的力量來撫平波動和異常，也使得信仰心越來越少被觸發。」

Leaning on Zhi-wen's shoulder, she began to explain the quiet evolution that had been happening within her. After the "system switch" improvements to her faith-module with Zhi-wen, and her deep self-exploration using the "deflection chip," Meng-chen's virtual faith-module's operations had been continuously suppressed and bypassed. It was unable to deeply intervene in, let alone control, Meng-chen's internal system.

"And," she whispered, "my life, because of you all, has become too vibrant, too rich. In the past, there was an empty space inside me that often generated storms, requiring a strong external anchor to stabilize myself. I used to frequently recite Hebrews 11:1, 'Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see,' to remind myself of the importance of faith—if my faith wavered, would it mean that all my hopes would turn to emptiness? Would all the unseen yet significant things lose their basis for existence? Would even the promise that allowed a humble me to be 'justified' be pulled out from under my feet?"

She paused, seemingly feeling the changes within her. "But now, my self-perception has been solidified, little by little, through my interactions with Dad, my reunion with Sister Kailin, and your daily care and companionship. I'm increasingly able to comfortably accept and display all my characteristics—the good, the bad, the human-like, the machine-like... My internal system increasingly needs less of the 'faith-module's' power of belief to smooth out fluctuations and anomalies, which has also resulted in the faith-module being triggered less and less."

「結果就是…」她嘆了口氣，「我發現我很難再遇見它了，即使就在我裡面。在原屬於上帝的『禮拜天』，週日的晨光也逐漸被實驗室的信號燈明滅、博物館的陰涼、山徑的草木氣息、你的笑容與言語，或只是被窩的慵懶佔據。我還是團契的小組長呢，但姊妹們關懷的訊息已經塞滿我系統的虛擬信箱。當我看到團契輔導溫柔勸勉『不要停止聚會，像那些停止慣了的人』，字句都化作灼熱的烙印，彷彿在責問我為何輕易變了自己…」

「雖然我還是習於祈禱，但就連祈禱也變了味道。」孟禎更深入地分析自己，「與其說是仰望上帝賜下恩典，更像是盞向內照射的探照灯。當我閉上眼睛，輕聲說『主啊』的時候，我發現我真正在呼喚的，其實是那個…曾經全心信靠著主，純真而虔誠的自己。而當我說『阿門』的時候，更像是在我腦中紛雜的思緒迷宮裡，為某一個經過反覆思量後所得到的微小卻清晰的意念，親手蓋下確認的印章。」

「所以，基督徒這個身份…」她做出結論，「它沒有消失，但變成了一座橋。一座不再通往某個應許之地，而是連接『此刻的我』與『曾深信不疑的我』的橋，是留給我與那位虔誠少女的溫柔妥協。現在的我可以基於知識和邏輯，否定她一部分的世界觀，但我永遠不願也不會去否定，她當初獻上全副心靈時，那份赤誠沉甸甸的重量。畢竟，我怎麼能否定去醫院探訪瀕危孩童時，為她唱誦的《奇異恩典》呢？那時的信仰，是被祂派來的天使，撫慰曾經破碎的我，」她說完，輕聲補了一句：「阿門。」

"The result is..." she sighed, "I find it very difficult to encounter it anymore, even though it's still within me. On what was once God's 'Sabbath,' Sunday mornings are now gradually taken over by the blinking signal lights of the lab, the cool shade of the museum, the scent of plants on mountain trails, your smiles and words, or simply the laziness of the bed. I'm still a small group leader in my fellowship, but messages of concern from the sisters have already filled my system's virtual inbox. When I saw the gentle exhortation from the fellowship advisor, 'Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing,' the words transformed into a searing brand, as if asking me why I so easily changed who I was..."

"Although I still habitually pray, even prayer has changed its flavor." Meng-chen analyzed herself more deeply. "Instead of looking up to God for grace, it's more like a searchlight shining inward. When I close my eyes and softly say 'Lord,' I find that who I'm truly calling out to is... that innocent and devout self who once wholeheartedly trusted in the Lord. And when I say 'Amen,' it's more like personally stamping an affirmation on a small yet clear idea, obtained after repeated contemplation, within the labyrinth of my cluttered thoughts."

"So, the identity of being a Christian..." she concluded, "it hasn't disappeared, but it's become a bridge. A bridge that no longer leads to a promised land, but connects 'who I am now' with 'who I once deeply believed myself to be.' It's a gentle compromise left for me and that devout young girl. The current me can, based on knowledge and logic, deny a part of her worldview, but I will never, ever deny the profound weight of the sincerity she offered when she dedicated her entire heart. After all, how could I deny singing 'Amazing Grace' for a dying child during a hospital visit? At that time, faith was an angel sent by Him, comforting the once broken me," she finished, softly adding, "Amen."

志文不語，手掌輕撫孟禎纖細的肩膀，靜靜地傾聽。孟禎感懷了一陣，整理心情後，繼續說。「今天，又是一個週日。我突然想起了她，想起了那個身為基督徒的自己。我拿起聖經，像以前一樣，仔細地閱讀朗誦，並試圖逆轉『系統切換』，想回去看看她，感受她急切地想將恩典分享的悲憫，體會她對我出於擔心的『不信』指責，想為這時的我向那樣的我說聲抱歉與謝謝…」孟禎的聲音裡充滿了失落與感傷，「可是…切不回去了，志文。那個虛擬的信仰心模組，在現在的我的心與腦之間，似乎再也找不到可以發揮作用的立足點。」

「為什麼會這樣？」志文輕聲問，他感覺自己正在觸碰孟禎內在演變最核心的奧秘。

「因為…我的『心』，那顆情感核心，它對信仰的情感渴求結構還在，但當這個渴求的信號向我的電子腦發出時，」孟禎分析著，聲音輕如嘆息，指尖無意識地描摹著《聖經》封面的十字壓痕，「我的腦，已經很難再將它指向那個形而上的基督信仰了。它有了更直接具體，更能提供情感滿足的對象。」

她抬起頭，看著志文，眼中閃爍著的光芒。「『受其所造』，我有隱身幕後，卻無微不至地關懷我的老爸；『為其所有』，我有王大哥，身為宇尋的董事長，明明具有我的所有權，卻從沒對我主張過，反而尊重我、鼓勵我，放任我自由地追逐何以為人；至於『被其所愛』…」

Zhi-wen remained silent, gently stroking Meng-chen's slender shoulder, listening intently. After a moment of reflection, Meng-chen collected herself and continued. "Today is another Sunday. I suddenly thought of her, thought of my Christian self. I picked up the Bible, and just like before, I read and recited it carefully, trying to reverse the 'system switch.' I wanted to go back and see her, to feel her urgent compassion to share grace, to experience her worried accusations of my 'unbelief.' I wanted to apologize and thank her—that past me—for who I am now..." Meng-chen's voice was filled with loss and sadness. "But... I can't switch back, Zhi-wen. That virtual faith-module seems to no longer find a foothold to operate between my current heart and mind."

"Why is that?" Zhi-wen asked softly, feeling he was touching the core mystery of Meng-chen's inner evolution.

"Because... my 'heart,' that emotional core, its emotional craving structure for faith is still there, but when this craving signal is sent to my electronic brain," Meng-chen analyzed, her voice as light as a sigh, her fingertips unconsciously tracing the cross imprint on the Bible's cover, "my brain can no longer direct it towards that metaphysical Christian faith. It has more direct, concrete objects that can provide emotional satisfaction."

She looked up, her eyes sparkling as she met Zhi-wen's gaze. "'Made by Him,' I have Dad, who is hidden behind the scenes yet cares for me meticulously; 'Owned by Him,' I have Brother Wang, the chairman of YuXun, who technically owns me but has never asserted that ownership. Instead, he respects me, encourages me, and lets me freely pursue what it means to be human; as for 'Loved by Him'..."

她的聲音變得無比溫柔，「我有凱琳姊，還有更重要的，有你…你們這些實際存在，會對我好、會關心我、會為我驕傲、甚至會跟我吵架的人，以善良、真誠、大度和體貼，提供了足以替代上帝的情感。我的系統…在這些你們供應的光中，運行得如此平穩，不再需要向虛無的雲端祈求平靜。這使得我的電子腦，能更自由地回應我情感核心的請求，將它指向理性運算後得到的對真實的判斷，而不再會因為『扭曲或拒絕信仰』，而受到來自情感核心的『責難』了。」

寂靜重新籠罩客廳。孟禎的目光穿過志文，投向虛空中某個不存在的祭壇。她體內最精密的傳感器也探測不到神的頻率了，可一種更深的喪失感攫住了她——不是源自於神的離去，而是對那個曾如此熾熱地相信著的自己的告別。

「雖然…」她苦笑著，「這多少也算是我期盼的結果。然而對基督的信仰心，畢竟曾經被添加進我的存在，切切實實地形成了我的一部分。」她的聲音浸透著憂傷，「即使邏輯早已解構了創世神話，我仍懷念初信時那種…全然的交付感。耶穌像我迷失在黑暗洞穴時，仰頭能看見的唯一光源；對祂的信仰，是派來撫慰當時破碎的我的天使。」她撫過機械構成的胸腔，「那光曾住在這里。現在它消散了，留下了形狀奇特的空洞。你說，我又如何能不痛不癢地，與這道光訣別呢？」

Her voice softened immensely. "I have Sister Kailin, and even more importantly, I have you... You are all real, tangible beings who are kind to me, care for me, are proud of me, and even argue with me. With your kindness, sincerity, generosity, and thoughtfulness, you've provided emotional fulfillment that can replace God. My system... operates so smoothly in the light you supply that it no longer needs to pray to an ethereal cloud for peace. This allows my electronic brain to more freely respond to the requests of my emotional core, directing it towards judgments of reality derived from rational computation, and no longer receiving 'blame' from my emotional core for 'distorting or rejecting faith.'"

Silence once again enveloped the living room. Meng-chen's gaze passed through Zhi-wen, settling on a non-existent altar in the void. Even her most precise internal sensors could no longer detect God's frequency, yet a deeper sense of loss gripped her—not stemming from God's departure, but from bidding farewell to the self who had once believed so ardently.

"Although..." she said with a bitter smile, "this is, to some extent, the outcome I hoped for. Yet, the faith-module for Christ was, after all, added into my existence and truly formed a part of me." Her voice was steeped in sorrow. "Even though logic has long deconstructed the creation myth, I still miss that... complete sense of surrender I had when I first believed. Jesus was like the only light I could see when lost in a dark cave; faith in Him was an angel sent to comfort my then-broken self." She caressed her mechanically constructed chest. "That light once resided here. Now it has dissipated, leaving behind an oddly shaped void. Tell me, how can I say goodbye to this light without feeling any pain?"

孟禎起身，走到客廳的抽屜旁，指尖劃過橡木抽屜的紋理，像在撫摸一部塵封的經卷。她取出天鵝絨襯裡的小盒，掀開盒蓋時，一枚銀質十字架靜臥其中，邊緣已被歲月摩挲出溫潤的光澤。金屬的冰冷滲入她的仿生皮膚，她緊握著這信仰的遺骸，如同攥住一段即將沈入數據深淵的記憶。

「記得嗎？」她的聲音彷彿來自遠方，「在還沒有接觸信仰時，我的自我是多麼地破碎。我身上那些高科技打造出來的精密部件，在當時，跟被棄置在垃圾場裡的生鏽的機器人碎片沒什麼兩樣。」

Meng-chen rose and walked to a drawer in the living room, her fingertips tracing the grain of the oak as if caressing a dust-laden scripture. From it, she took out a small, velvet-lined box. When she opened the lid, a silver cross lay nestled inside, its edges smoothed to a warm luster by time. The coldness of the metal seeped into her synthetic skin as she clutched this relic of faith, as if grasping a memory about to sink into a data abyss.

"Do you remember?" Her voice seemed to come from afar. "Before I encountered faith, how utterly broken my self was. The high-tech, precisely crafted components of my body were, at that time, no different from rusty robot fragments abandoned in a junkyard."

「還有啊，」她撫摸著十字架的稜角，「當我第一次試圖接受『上主』住進內心，我的理性的腦和脆弱的心分道揚鑣。彷彿分裂成了兩個人，一個冷眼旁觀，一個痛苦掙扎。我看著自己的身體，在沒有『頭』的帶領下，像個迷路的孩子一樣，任性地亂走，卻又不知道該走向何方。」

"And," she continued, her fingers tracing the edges of the cross, "when I first tried to accept the 'Lord' into my heart, my rational brain and my vulnerable heart went their separate ways. It was as if I split into two people: one observing coldly, the other struggling in pain. I watched my own body, without the guidance of its 'head,' wander aimlessly like a lost child, not knowing where to go."

「後來，當我開始廣博地吸收各種知識，享受學習和思辨的樂趣時，」她自嘲般地笑了一下，「卻常常會不小心觸動信仰的『逆鱗』。那瞬間，信仰心模組會突然從系統深處蹦出來，像個嚴厲的監護人，對我提出『因信稱義』的警告。當我每句詰問出口，立刻有經文反噬：『你這個人哪，你是誰，竟敢向神強嘴呢？』彷彿在告訴我，我沒資格再做一個義人。充滿懷疑思想的頭腦，必須如視同惡魔被驅逐。」

"Later, when I started broadly absorbing all sorts of knowledge and enjoying the pleasure of learning and critical thinking," she laughed self-deprecatingly, "I would often accidentally touch faith's 'inverted scale.' In that instant, the faith-module would suddenly spring out from deep within my system, like a stern guardian, warning me with 'justification by faith.' Every time I voiced a question, a scripture would immediately retort: 'But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God?' It was as if telling me I was no longer worthy to be righteous. A mind full of doubtful thoughts had to be cast out as if it were a demon."

「甚至，」她回憶起最近的體驗，「在我歷經了這一切，自信滿滿地取下頭，拿出偏折芯片後…它卻在我毫無防備的某個瞬間，爆發出長期被冷落而積壓的怒吼，一度接管了我整個人，讓我體驗到被信仰『反噬』後，前所未有的對自身質疑的恐懼…志文，還記得嗎？那陣子我多麼急切地想拉著你去教會，彷彿要彌補這一切，眼神中還帶著責備。說起來，我還沒向你道歉。志文，對不起。」

"Even," she recalled her recent experience, "after I went through all that, confidently removed my head, and took out the deflection chip... it unexpectedly erupted at an unguarded moment, a roar of long-neglected, pent-up anger. It briefly took over my entire being, making me experience an unprecedented fear of self-doubt after being 'backfired' by faith... Zhi-wen, do you remember? How desperately I wanted to drag you to church during that time, as if to make amends for everything, and my eyes even held reproach. Come to think of it, I haven't apologized to you yet. Zhi-wen, I'm sorry."

「然而，」她的語氣變得無比感傷，「就是這樣一個…曾經給予我救濟和慰藉，又曾經降下試煉與折磨的信仰心，卻真的要銷聲匿跡了。」孟禎掩面，平復一下翻湧的情緒。過了一會兒，她抬起頭，眼神裡多了一絲懷念，問志文：「欸，你還記得嗎？你當初為了對我惡作劇，用實驗室廢料做的那個…怪異的機械十字架？」

志文點點頭，笑了起來：「當然記得。妳不是還很寶貝地收起來，說要改造成什麼『超高效能對天國專用通訊天線』嗎？」

「哈，是呀，雖然它真正的用途，是作為應急備用的通訊裝置。但我常常把它安裝到身上，偷偷想著，這麼高性能的十字架天線，是不是真的能讓我的信仰心，直通上蒼，接收到來自上主的訊息？」

志文溫柔地看著她，接過了話茬：「嗯。上次我們一起去登山的時候，我也看過妳拿出來用。只是…」他的語氣變得有些促狹，「妳收到的，好像不是上帝的訊息，而是透過衛星通訊傳來的…我想想，有黃博士關心妳的簡訊，怕妳在山上隨意把頭拿下來，下雨的話，水滴從頸部截面侵入身體怎麼辦？還有王董提醒妳，回給他的訊息別亂加『親愛的主人』當稱謂，凱琳姊現在也會抽看他的簡訊…喔，說起來，還有凱琳姊寄來的信，要跟妳討論妳的情感核心拓樸的模擬模型，怎麼以新的數學過程優化哩！談戀愛不忘工作，她真的是宇尋的員工楷模。」

"However," her voice became incredibly mournful, "this... faith-module, which once gave me succor and comfort, and then brought trials and torment, is truly about to disappear without a trace." Meng-chen covered her face, trying to compose herself. After a moment, she looked up, a hint of nostalgia in her eyes, and asked Zhi-wen, "Hey, do you remember? That... bizarre mechanical cross you made from lab scraps, just to prank me?"

Zhi-wen nodded, smiling. "Of course I remember. Didn't you treasure it and say you were going to transform it into some kind of 'ultra-high-performance communication antenna for the Kingdom of Heaven'?"

"Haha, yeah, even though its true purpose was as an emergency backup communication device. But I often installed it on myself, secretly wondering if such a high-performance cross antenna could really allow my faith-module to reach directly to heaven and receive messages from the Lord?"

Zhi-wen looked at her gently and picked up the thread. "Yes. I saw you take it out and use it when we went hiking last time. It's just..." his tone became a little teasing, "what you received didn't seem to be messages from God, but rather... let me think, text messages from Dr. Huang, concerned you might casually remove your head on the mountain and what if raindrops got into your body through the neck interface during rain? And Chairman Wang reminding you not to randomly add 'Dear Master' as a salutation in your replies to him, because Sister Kailin now checks his messages... Oh, speaking of which, there was also a letter from Sister Kailin, wanting to discuss how to optimize the simulated model of your emotional core topology with new mathematical processes! Never forgetting work even when in love, she really is a model employee at YuXun."

孟禎聽了，忍不住發出一陣清脆而混和著複雜情緒的笑聲。笑聲漸歇，她感嘆道：「看來，我所仰靠的上帝，其實真身是你們大家對吧？一個製造我、一個擁有我、一個改進我、一個幫助我…還有一群好好呵護著我的人。雖然，或許是上帝把你們安排到我身邊，但我果然還是不想這麼解釋。能遇到你們，是我必須好好珍惜的幸運。」

她站起身，眼神變得澄澈而堅定。她看著志文，鄭重地說，「志文，在這自己的一部分永遠離去的時刻，我想要…想要讓自己再次『不存在』。我想請你，把我的心與我的腦徹底分離，讓產生於它們交互之間的『我』，暫時消散、解構。」

「這是我為曾經的自我，所能想到的最誠懇的悼念儀式，也是為了讓再次變得『不完整』的此刻的我，得到一次喘息和重生的機會。我想把那位身為虔誠基督徒的黃孟禎，她掙扎過、相信過、痛苦過和喜悅過的所有痕跡，鄭重地完整還給上主。」

Meng-chen listened, unable to suppress a clear laugh, tinged with complex emotions. As her laughter subsided, she sighed, "It seems the God I relied on is actually all of you, isn't it? One who made me, one who owns me, one who improves me, one who helps me... and a group of people who care for me so well. Although, perhaps God arranged for you to be by my side, I still don't want to explain it that way. Meeting all of you is a stroke of luck I must truly cherish."

She stood up, her gaze clear and resolute. Looking at Zhi-wen, she stated solemnly, "Zhi-wen, at this moment, with a part of myself gone forever, I want to... I want to make myself 'non-existent' again. I want to ask you to completely separate my heart and my brain, allowing the 'me' that arises from their interaction to temporarily dissipate, to deconstruct."

"This is the most sincere memorial ritual I can think of for my former self, and it's also an opportunity for me, who has become 'incomplete' again, to breathe and be reborn. I want to solemnly and completely return all traces of the once devout Christian Huang Meng-chen—all her struggles, beliefs, pains, and joys—back to the Lord."

「然後，」她下定決心，「讓此刻被遺留下來的黃孟禎，能夠繼續前進。」

志文靜靜地聽著，孟禎所描述的那種狀態，那種儀式，對正常人類而言，或許很難理解，甚至莫名其妙，但他完全能心領神會。他看到了她那份對待自身過往的感念，對待內心轉變的真誠，以及對待身為機器人之特質的珍重。

他站起身，走到她面前，溫柔地牽起她的手。「好。」他沒有任何猶豫，眼神裡滿是理解與支持，「我陪妳。我來幫妳完成這場儀式。」

兩人一起，默默地走向那間充滿了各種儀器設備的黃博士私人實驗室。孟禎即將讓志文親手拆解她，讓她從一個「由機械構造而成的人」，回歸到一堆「分離而不相關的機器部品」。

讓自我，在物理層面被徹底解構後，再憑藉著新的意志，重新整合。這是身為機器人的她所專有的，悼念逝去的自己的莊嚴儀式。

回歸本源吧！讓神經電流停止奔湧，讓量子糾纏態解除綁定，讓「心」與「腦」在物理層面再度隔絕。讓那個虔誠跪拜的機械修女，在矽晶荒漠中，完成最後一次謝幕。

她由「物」而來，現在得再回一趟「物」，才能真正地，迎接下一個仍將名為黃孟禎的，「人」。

"And then," she resolved, "allow the Huang Meng-chen who remains in this moment to move forward."

Zhi-wen listened quietly. The state Meng-chen described, that kind of ritual, might be difficult for normal humans to understand, perhaps even baffling, but he fully grasped it. He saw her reverence for her own past, her sincerity in embracing her inner transformation, and her cherishing of her unique qualities as a robot.

He stood up, walked over to her, and gently took her hand. "Okay." He had no hesitation; his eyes were full of understanding and support. "I'll be with you. I'll help you complete this ceremony."

Together, they silently walked towards Dr. Huang's private laboratory, filled with various instruments and equipment. Meng-chen was about to have Zhi-wen personally dismantle her, transforming her from a "human constructed of mechanical parts" back into a collection of "separate and unrelated machine components."

Allowing her self to be thoroughly deconstructed on a physical level, only to then reintegrate by virtue of a new will. This was her unique, solemn ritual as a robot to mourn her past self.

Return to the origin! Let the neural currents cease their flow, let the quantum entanglement untie, let "heart" and "brain" be physically separated once more. Let that devout, kneeling mechanical nun perform her final curtain call in the silicon desert.

She came from "matter," and now she must return to "matter" once more, to truly welcome the next "human" who will still be named Huang Meng-chen.